Be strong and courageous

I've been struggling ( I think struggling is my adjective of the year) with reading my Bible for weeks now...probably months. Another blessing that came out of team meeting on Monday, which I guess I am thankful to God for is that I was introduced to this website called 'journal junkies'. I've been praying for a way in which I can explore the Word of God in a personal and reflective way. Study Bibles are great and I have one that I used regularly, but sometimes reading someone elese's reflection of what the Scripture means to them, makes you feel like an observer rather than being actively involved in the reading and understanding of it...if that makes sense.

So, I'm trying out this format from 'journal junkies' to see if it works. But it will take discipline to keep it up.

Today I read Joshua 1. I must admit, I have dipped into this book very often. The verse that got my attention was verse 9 where God tells Joshua as he's about to go and conquer the land that God has given them...actually I have to start from verse 8:

8 Study this Book of the Law continually. Meditate on it day and night so you may be sure to obey all that is written in it. Only then will you succeed.
9 I command you - be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.

I don't do this. I don't study the Bible continually. I don't meditate on it day and night. I know it's not like a magic formula that if you read the Bible everyday then you will always be successful. But I do remember that the times when I actually took time to spend time in God's word, I did notice that I wasn't as discouraged as I am now. I had hope and a foundation on which to plant my feet.

The promise of God being with me wherever I go is something to hold on to at least. I feel so lost right now. Tomorrow, is a year since I was awarded my PhD. And what do I have to show for it?!

I can't believe I'm starting the new year the way this year began...unemployed! Actually, I would love God to speak to me as clearly as He spoke to Joshua, at least I'd know we're still somehow connected!

Do I feel secure in God?

Since July of this year, I have been volunteering with Burton Youth for Christ. Initially I went in to help them do some research for a funding bid they were submitting. But my involvement has extended to doing face to face youth work, which I really love (even when the difficult kids get on your nerves)!

Every Monday, unless, there's some exception we have team meeting. It starts out with a time of worship, then we go through updates of the various projects, after which we do a discussion from the Bible.

At the moment, we're going through the Psalms of Ascents (Psalm 120 - 134). I've always found the discussions about the various Psalm encouraging. But this morning, I think because Chris and I had a bit of a rough weekend, I just found myself feeling completely overwhelmed and challenged by it.

The Psalm we discussed today was Psalm 125 which reads:

1 Those who trust in the LORD
Are like Mount Zion,
Which cannot be moved, but abides forever.
2 As the mountains surround Jerusalem,
So the LORD surrounds His people
From this time forth and forever.

3 For the scepter of wickedness shall not rest
On the land allotted to the righteous,
Lest the righteous reach out their hands to iniquity.

4 Do good, O LORD, to those who are good,
And to those who are upright in their hearts.

5 As for such as turn aside to their crooked ways,
The LORD shall lead them away
With the workers of iniquity.

Peace be upon Israel!

In the discussion it the question was posed: Do we feel secure God? Particularly when in the case of this same the Israelites were in a place that they didn't want to be. Do I trust God enough to take me through things when they're not going as they expected. And to be honest, it's been my greatest struggle since I finished my PhD. I wasn't expecting to be out of a job this long, and I am in an expected place, which has shook my trust and security in God. A lot of things have slipped because of me struggling (such as prayer and spending quality time with God looking at His word). Ironically, it is these activities that have made me feel rooted and anchored when I felt completely churned by the winds of life.

I don't know if I feel secure in God right now. It may sound selfish or a backward reasoning, but if I got a job then I'd know that He is actually seeing what I'm going through. Yet, if someone told me this was their situation, I would say 'Of course God is looking after you! He said He'd never leave you nor forsake you!' Then why can't receive that and put that way of thinking into practise?

Why isn't God doing anything about my situation? Why does He seem so silent? How long am I supposed to be in this wilderness?

I do want to be have the faith that Psalmist talks about. I want to have such security in God that nothing will shake me. But right now, I am finding it very difficult....

4 hours spin and my issue with PDA....

My spin instructor, Marg is running the London Marathon next year. It takes minimum of 10 months to train for the marathon and at least 2 weeks to recover from doing this 26 mile run. I would love to have the energy and stamina that she has when I'm 50! So part of her fundraising was do a 4 hour spin in front one of our local supermarkets - Sainsbury's.

Now spin, for all those who are not in the know, is an aerobic exercise that takes place on a specially designed stationary bicycle called (obviously enough) a spinning bike. This is great and burns some serious calories 450 in about 45 mins! I'm addicted to it! I was up at 7am this morning to get picked up by my spin instructor at 8:30am. Helped her move the spin bikes from upstairs the gym, down the hill, across the pedestrian crossing, down another hill, across the car park and to the front of Sainsbury's.

Here comes my issue with PDA. My spin instructor I think from the way she talks about things went through a really rough time with her previous relationship. And I am glad that she has someone new in her life, funnily enough her running partner, who's also running with her in the London Marathon. Maybe I'm a bit of a Scrooge, but PDA does gross me out. I guess I feel uncomfortable because I don't know where to look. Do I just stare at you while you exchange passionate kisses and grope each other's butts?! I think there needs to be some kind of etiquette for those who are observers of PDA.

So we spun...spun? Yeah I think that's right for 4 hrs. 10am to 2pm to raise money for Children with Leukemia, the charity that my spin instructor is running for. And it was an amazing time. Great atmosphere. Good friends together. Singing along to our favourite tracks and making people feel very tired just looking at us! :o)

There are times though where I wish I took more opportunities to share my faith to people. My spin instructor knows I'm a Christian and another lady who spins with me knows that I go to church and that to a non-believer that is as good as having some kind of faith.

And the best surprise when I came home! Chris gave me the phone and said there's a message for you. I received a voicemail from my brother! Burnt bridges are slowly being rebuilt. It's taken us 17 years to get this far and I just know that God's take us all the way. He doesn't do things half-baked!

The Wilderness...

I can't believe the last time that I posted a blog was in June of this year. I've been going through a very difficult time since I completed my PhD studies. It's been a real struggle to keep up with this blog, mainly because I haven't had the motivation to do it. Even though when I actually write something it's so therapeutic and I wonder why it took me so long.

You know you have this idea of what your life is going to look like. For me, when I finished my PhD I thought that all these doors of opportunities would open and I would go sailing into a well-paid job doing the research that I absolutely love. Hmmm...well it's been over a year since I submitted my thesis. December 2 will be a year since I had my viva and was awarded the title of Dr Julie-Ann Ricketts and nothing's happened yet. I thought it would be at least 2 months of job hunting, because hey, I've got a PhD and everyone should want me to work for them. Why would anyone want this talent go to waste!

I never expected this...this was not a part of the plan! And I went from elation of having completed my degree to crying hysterically and not wanting to wake up in the morning. I applied for job after job after job with no response or rejection letters. I began to wonder if doing my PhD was an absolute waste of money and time. Did I throw away 4 years of my life to sit at home?! Was this all it was supposed to amount to? And I found myself slipping into a world of uncertainty, which I found, and still find scary.

So now, I find myself wondering through the wilderness. God seems so silent at this time. I wish I could have flashing neon arrows in the sky pointing to the way I should go. Hey, I'd even appreciate a booming voice from heaven detailing the next steps I should take. But God's not choosing to speak to me in this way. I hope you'll walk with me as I describe my journey through this wilderness. It gets so lonely sometimes.

You can't be master over sin

Yesterday Chris was preaching on Nehemiah 13, the last book of Nehemiah. And this phrase he said has stuck with me 'You can't be master over sin' and it's really got me thinking. I've been a Christian for about 13 years, and sometimes I don't realise the power of what Jesus did for me on the cross. The power of Him dying for my sins.

I realise there are two options in life - you can be free from sin through faith in Jesus Christ or in bondage to sin. And you definitely cannot be master over sin. I was born into a sinful nature and it's like the gravity pull I described in other blog, I want to do God's will. I want to live a life that's pleasing to God, completely submitted and obedient to Him. But I fall short. Romans 4: 23 says: All have sinned; all for short of the God's glorious standard. One way in which I fall short from God's glory is that I do not spend as much time with God as I should. Chris had half-term off last week and it was wonderful spending the week with him, but my time with God went on the backburner. Everyday I noticed that time slipped away from me. I didn't make enough of an effort to read His Word and talk to Him in prayer.

Yesterday, Chris insisted that as we had a few minutes before we had to go out that we spend some individual quiet time with God. I was so grateful to him for that, because I was really missing my time with God. My study was on Galatians 5 and it was so appropriate for the way I was feeling. In verses 19-21 it says:

When you follow the desires of your sinful nature,
your lives will produce these evil results:
sexual immorality, impure thoughts, eagerness for lustful pleasure,
idolatry, participation in demonic activities, hostility,
quarrelling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition,
divisions, the feeling that everyone is wrong except those in your own little group,
envy, drunkeness, wild parties, and other kinds of sin.
Let me tell you again, as I have before, that anyone living that sort of life
will not inherit the Kingdom of God.

I read that and it just took my breath away! I could tick at least six of the activities off that list. Some that I struggle with every day! Some every minute of the day! But then the passage continues in verses 22-24:

But when the Holy Spirit controls our lives,
He will produce this kind of fruit in us: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness,
goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.
Here there is no conflict with the law.
Those who belong to Christ Jesus have nailed the passions and desires
of their sinful nature to his cross and crucified them there.

And that was when my eyes were opened to the power of what Jesus did for me. Jill Briscoe puts it wonderfully "Even after we become believers, we still have that sin nature, and it declares war on the Holy Spirit. The reason for this conflict of interests between the old and new natures inside a Christian is that the old nature wants to go on being sinful and selfish, while the new nature of Christ, imparted by the Holy Spirit, wants to be just like Christ!"

Sometimes as a Christian, and I've fallen into this trap, you think that you're almost untouchable when it comes to sin and temptation. But if you do it in your own strength, you will fail. I have. It's only by the power of the Holy Spirit and being submissive and obedient to God's will that we can be more than a conqueror. Even with the war going on inside of us, we will win the ultimate battle! I continue to pray and ask God to help me live a life that's pleasing to Him. Yes, I mess up and gravitate towards my sinful nature, but my heart's desire, my ultimate goal is to live my life through the power of the Holy Spirit, that's the only way that sin won't be a master over me.

Do not fear...Don't be afraid

At the moment, my quiet time is taking me through Scriptures relating to obedience to God. I've found it challenging, scary and exciting all at the same time.

Today, my studies took me to Ezekiel 2 where Ezekiel is called by God to bring a difficult message to the Israelites, who God describes as ' a nation that is rebelling against me'. And God encourages Ezekiel with these words (Ezekiel 2: 6-7):

Son of man, do not fear them.
Don't be afraid even though their threats are sharp as thorns and barbed like briers,
and they sting like scorpions.
Do not be dismayed by their dark scowls.
For remember, they are rebels!
You must give them my messages whether they listen or not.

But they won't listen, for they are completely rebellious!

This is one of the fears that I am asking God to help me overcome. I love God and I want the whole world to know how He loves them and sent Jesus to die for their sins. And He wants them to spend eternity with them in heaven. But I have to be honest, it scares me. It's a message people find difficult to hear, and as wonderful as it is, I find difficult to give. The reason for this is exactly what God told Ezekiel about...their threats, the hurtful words hurled back at you, the dark scowls!

I found this passage very encouraging because even though it's difficult, I'm not in it on my own.

So this is my prayer:

Lord, I thank you for these words that you spoke to Ezekiel.
Help me to be obedient to you, even when it's difficult
because you promise to strengthen me.
Help me to overcome my fear of people's angry looks or hurtful words
when I tell them about you.
And I ask you to help me say the right thing in the right way
at the right time to the right people.
Thank you for your unconditional love.

Amen.

Complete Submission

Last night, Chris and I had 2 of our dearest friends over for dinner. Every time we meet up it we talk for hours and the time just flies by. When they left after almost 5 hrs of being with us (and to be honest it felt more like 2!) we commented that we hadn't had such uplifting conversation in a long time. We spoke about almost everything from the impact of watching certain shows and movies can have on a Christian to 'backsliders' to the role of the church today. Every conversation was drenched in Scripture.

One of the things that stuck with me about the conversations we had was the discussion of submission to God. And both of my bible readings (because I missed one yesterday) was about obedience - placing all our trust and reliance in God. The first study was taken from 2 Chronicles 14 , where King Asa begins his reign after his father King Abijah dies. One of the first things mentioned about King Asa was that under his reign 'there was peace in the land for ten years, for Asa did what was pleasing and good in the sight of the Lord his God' (2 Chr 14:2). Then Asa came under threat from Zerah whose army far outnumbered Asa's. But Asa cries out to God 'O Lord, no one but you can help the powerless agains the mighty! Help us, O Lord our God, for we trust in you alone. It is in your name that we have come against this vast horde. O Lord, you are our God; do not let mere men prevail against you!' (2 Chr 4:11). Jill Briscoe (whose study I am working through) comments that 'God interefered with his grace and gave Asa victory over his enemies'.

Unfortunately, Asa's obedience to God began to wane and 'he relied more on people than on God'. Even towards the end of his life he relied more on his physicians than on God (See 2 Chr 16).

The second study, which is the one that prompted this post, speaks of the 'Long Road of Obedience' and is taken from Jeremiah 2. Israel has once against turned against God and God sends Jeremiah to give Israel this message. The message compares how they once were, they loved God and was willing to please Him 'as a young bride' (Jer 2:2) but now they would rather exchange 'their glorious God for worthless idols!'

This made me question my own level of submission to God. Have I completely submitted to Him? Complete submission is what Adam & Eve struggled with in the Garden of Eden and to be honest, it's what I struggle with too. To hand my live over to God completely. Everything that I have and everything that I am. The things is, everything that I have and everything that I am comes from God. So, why do I find it so hard to give it back to Him? How can I call Jesus Lord of my life, if I find it hard to submit to His rules?

Chris phrased it well, by calling it 'a gravitational pull' towards sin. We feel ourselves being pulled towards our sinful nature, when what we want to do is to be free to go towards God. My prayer to God is to make me free to do this, through the power of the Holy Spirit. I want to live for God. I don't want to be controlled by my sinful nature! I want to be under the authority of a God who loves me perfectly!

Is submission borne out of obedience? Or obedience borne out of submission?

So I pray this prayer:

I ask God to heal my wayward heart (Jer 3:22)
and I confess to Him that disobedience is a sin not just a shortcoming (Jer 3:25)
Help me along the long road of obedience.
I know you'll be with me every step of the way.

Amen

Acts 29

Earlier this year I went to a New Wine's Women's Conference in Harrogate and the lady speaking asked us to turn to Acts 29 because she wanted to share something with us. As the pages rustled throughout the auditorium, searching through our Bibles, after a minute or so a wave of chuckling and laughing swept through the thousands of women who were there. There is no Acts 29!! And the presenter then proclaimed that we are Acts 29!

Chris encouraged me to read the book of Acts as I go through this difficult time. And I must admit, it is so encouraging and challenging to read. When I was reading Acts 3 these thoughts came to me:

After the lame man was healed by the Beautiful Gate and people saw that it was Peter and John who were involved. Peter saw it as an opportunity to address the crowd. And he told them about Jesus and how they can be saved and have a relationship for eternity with Him! And this really challenged me. I continue to pray to God for boldness and that I will always be ready to speak of Jesus. That I will not miss and opportunity because of fear of embarrassment. But this boldness can only come from God.

When I was telling this to Chris he asked me a question that has stuck with me ever since -'What will silence me?'

When Peter and the apostles were arrested and brought before the Sanhedrin because they were preaching about Jesus. The response was "We must obey God rather than human authority..." And Peter goes on to preach about the very thing they were arrested for! (see Acts 5).

Their boldness! Their assurance of faith! It's amazing! I want it! I crave it!

So I prayed for it. And God told me I have to be in it for the long haul - good or bad.

The disciples were arrested, whipped and most eventually killed for proclaiming the name of Jesus. Yet people lined up in the streets hoping that Peter's shadow, his shadow, would fall on them so that they can be healed. But the apostles were 100% committed to following and trusting God. Their faith did not waiver. They weren't in it to be liked. They were in to proclaim the truth so that "people could turn from their sins and turn to God so their sins would be forgiven".


What will silence me?

I shall yet....

I've been offline with this blog for so long, I don't know if anyone reads it any more...though I know that there has been some interest peaking...so who knows I may regain an audience.

It's been a strange year, a lot has happened. Chris and I celebrated our anniversary on April 6 a When we got married, I was still doing my PhD, a concern to some as they thought that it would mean I would drop out of the programme. On December 2, 2008 I passed my viva voce and was awarded the title Dr. Julie-Ann Ricketts. Chris left his job at Currys as a Sales Assistant and got a job at a high school near where we live as an ICT Technician. When we looked at his journey to get there, it was 18 months from when he got his qualification to getting a job in that field. And it was hard for him getting the call for interviews and being turned down for jobs that he knew that he could do.

I find myself in a similar position almost 5 months from getting my PhD. I never expected to be unable to find employment. Naively I thought, that as soon as you get a PhD a radar goes on and people want to hire you. Even though I got my degree in the midst of a recession, I thought it was good enough to be above the rest. I mean, hey, the rest of my colleagues walked into jobs after they finished, why should I be any different! But I always was. Life was always more uncomfortable than theirs. They got the financial assistance and support they needed for their degree. It was always a sacrifice for me and I always wondered what God was doing! Why should those that don't love you - that don't even believe in you, get what your child wants!

It was a lesson in trusting God. In putting my entire life in His hands. Sometimes, I wonder why I think that I can control my life! When I became a Christian, I sang the song 'I surrender all'. It stated my complete submission to an all-powerful, all-knowing God, ever-present, who loves me with a complete perfect love. Yet, I still find it difficult to trust Him. What will stop my disbelief?

Going through a challenging time , for me, makes me wallow in self-pity. Why me? Where do I go from here? What do I do now? I don't feel like being around Christians. I don't want to be prayed for. I feel that people pity me because of my situation as you seem to get these 'poor you' looks in their eyes when I talk about what's been going on. On the other hand, as Chris and so many of my Christian friends have told me, this is a test and God's strengthening my faith, though I don't feel very strong as I go through it.

I was talking to a friend yesterday and I realised that I resented God for placing me where I am. I don't think I hated God, but I thought He was being unfair to me and I deserved to be treated better! I mean after all - I am His child! Looking through the Bible makes you see your reflection, particularly your spiritual reflection. Looking at the lives of these stalwarts of faith: Abraham, Moses, Noah, David. The prophets. Jesus, the Christ, the Messiah and God's only begotten son and what they went through, especially how their faith was tested - what gives me the right to think that I should be exempt.

One lesson that God is teaching me is to praise Him, worship Him, love Him, not because of what He can do for me, but because of who He is! Psalm 43 speaks to me when David cries out to God:

Vindicate me, O God, and plead my cause against an ungoldy nation;
Oh deliver me from the deceitful and unjust man!
For You are the God of my strength;
Why do you cast me off?
Why do I go mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?

Oh send out Your light and Your truth!
Let them lead me;
Let them bring me to Your holy hill
And to Your tabernacle.

Then I will go to the altar of God
To God my exceeding joy;
And on the harp I will praise You,
O God, my God!

And the verses that really speak to me:

Why are you cast down, O my soul?
And why are you disquieted within me?
Hope in God;
For I shall yet praise Him
The help of my countenance and my God.

My bible reading during my quiet time was from Leviticus 7:11-21. Talking about giving offerings to God and how being thankful is an offering. I don't have to feel thankful, I am thankful! I will praise God even if I don't feel like praising God. Because there is nothing that I go through that should exempt me from giving the Creator of the Universe and the Saviour of my soul the praise He rightly deserves!