It's been a strange year, a lot has happened. Chris and I celebrated our anniversary on April 6 a When we got married, I was still doing my PhD, a concern to some as they thought that it would mean I would drop out of the programme. On December 2, 2008 I passed my viva voce and was awarded the title Dr. Julie-Ann Ricketts. Chris left his job at Currys as a Sales Assistant and got a job at a high school near where we live as an ICT Technician. When we looked at his journey to get there, it was 18 months from when he got his qualification to getting a job in that field. And it was hard for him getting the call for interviews and being turned down for jobs that he knew that he could do.
I find myself in a similar position almost 5 months from getting my PhD. I never expected to be unable to find employment. Naively I thought, that as soon as you get a PhD a radar goes on and people want to hire you. Even though I got my degree in the midst of a recession, I thought it was good enough to be above the rest. I mean, hey, the rest of my colleagues walked into jobs after they finished, why should I be any different! But I always was. Life was always more uncomfortable than theirs. They got the financial assistance and support they needed for their degree. It was always a sacrifice for me and I always wondered what God was doing! Why should those that don't love you - that don't even believe in you, get what your child wants!
It was a lesson in trusting God. In putting my entire life in His hands. Sometimes, I wonder why I think that I can control my life! When I became a Christian, I sang the song 'I surrender all'. It stated my complete submission to an all-powerful, all-knowing God, ever-present, who loves me with a complete perfect love. Yet, I still find it difficult to trust Him. What will stop my disbelief?
Going through a challenging time , for me, makes me wallow in self-pity. Why me? Where do I go from here? What do I do now? I don't feel like being around Christians. I don't want to be prayed for. I feel that people pity me because of my situation as you seem to get these 'poor you' looks in their eyes when I talk about what's been going on. On the other hand, as Chris and so many of my Christian friends have told me, this is a test and God's strengthening my faith, though I don't feel very strong as I go through it.
I was talking to a friend yesterday and I realised that I resented God for placing me where I am. I don't think I hated God, but I thought He was being unfair to me and I deserved to be treated better! I mean after all - I am His child! Looking through the Bible makes you see your reflection, particularly your spiritual reflection. Looking at the lives of these stalwarts of faith: Abraham, Moses, Noah, David. The prophets. Jesus, the Christ, the Messiah and God's only begotten son and what they went through, especially how their faith was tested - what gives me the right to think that I should be exempt.
One lesson that God is teaching me is to praise Him, worship Him, love Him, not because of what He can do for me, but because of who He is! Psalm 43 speaks to me when David cries out to God:
Vindicate me, O God, and plead my cause against an ungoldy nation;
Oh deliver me from the deceitful and unjust man!
For You are the God of my strength;
Why do you cast me off?
Why do I go mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?
Oh send out Your light and Your truth!
Let them lead me;
Let them bring me to Your holy hill
And to Your tabernacle.
Then I will go to the altar of God
To God my exceeding joy;
And on the harp I will praise You,
O God, my God!
Oh deliver me from the deceitful and unjust man!
For You are the God of my strength;
Why do you cast me off?
Why do I go mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?
Oh send out Your light and Your truth!
Let them lead me;
Let them bring me to Your holy hill
And to Your tabernacle.
Then I will go to the altar of God
To God my exceeding joy;
And on the harp I will praise You,
O God, my God!
And the verses that really speak to me:
Why are you cast down, O my soul?
And why are you disquieted within me?
Hope in God;
For I shall yet praise Him
The help of my countenance and my God.
My bible reading during my quiet time was from Leviticus 7:11-21. Talking about giving offerings to God and how being thankful is an offering. I don't have to feel thankful, I am thankful! I will praise God even if I don't feel like praising God. Because there is nothing that I go through that should exempt me from giving the Creator of the Universe and the Saviour of my soul the praise He rightly deserves!
And why are you disquieted within me?
Hope in God;
For I shall yet praise Him
The help of my countenance and my God.
My bible reading during my quiet time was from Leviticus 7:11-21. Talking about giving offerings to God and how being thankful is an offering. I don't have to feel thankful, I am thankful! I will praise God even if I don't feel like praising God. Because there is nothing that I go through that should exempt me from giving the Creator of the Universe and the Saviour of my soul the praise He rightly deserves!
0 comments:
Post a Comment