I survived my 10 year high school reunion

Bwoy, I tell you. When I heard that Campion College was having a 10 year reunion the feelings of cynicism and apathy set in. High school is never usually the easiest time of any child's life and going to a school where there was an evident distinction of the 'in crowd' made it even more difficult. So, the thought of facing those people who ignored you, who laughed at you, who made your life at high school one that you suppress in the back of mind where most bad memories are stored was to say the least - frightening.

But as the picture shows you, I'm not dressing up for fun, this is proof that I survived my 10 year high school reunion and I was smiling at the end of it. To be honest, it was great seeing most people. Some people were still stand-offish, and that's their prerogative. But for the most part, I was able to hug and smile and be friendly with most of the people that were there. I must admit, I was bad with names and even worse with some faces - but I think I got around to meeting and greeting most of the persons there and remembering most of those who went to high school with me.

The best part was really seeing people and seeing how we've changed (and some of us haven't). And just seeing the strides that we've made in the 10 years since we left 5th form was encouraging. But the thing is that I am glad that I overcame the fear and went. I went through ups and downs of indecision and apathy. But like someone said - you only have a 10 yr reunion once! And I don't know want the next few years will bring. I don't know who will be around for the next reunion (if there is one). So I want to thank the reunion committee for taking the initiative to organise this event. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be - in fact it was one of the best nights I've spent out for a while. Even with the apathy and cynicism that it was met with when you spoke to people about attending - the turnout was good and the vibes was good. The cliques still formed, but hey over 100 people can't all be friends can they?

I don't know why I fly with Air Jamaica

Coming home for the holidays, is supposed to be a joyous time of the year. You look forward to seeing your family (most of us do). I looked to forward to seeing my baby nephew. I took a longer journey home, because that's all that I could afford. So I came from London Heathrow to JFK airport and from JFK to Kingston. I flew with American Airlines from Heathrow to JFK, and that went smoothly. Though there were stingy with likkle wata, God bless dem - dem did give us food, even crackers and cheese as snack.

Got to JFK, got both my bags. Went to the American Airlines transit desk (as was suggested by the check-in agent at Heathrow) and asked them to send them to Air Jamaica. Well somewhere between Terminal 8 at the transit desk at Terminal 4 at the Air Jamaica check-in desk, my bags disappeared! Even though, the facety check-in agent at JFK declare seh she nah check mi in unless she know the weight of the bags. Somet'ing mi nevah know, but she declare mi mus' know! Anyhow, she eventually got the information she wanted and she gave my seat number.

Being Air Jamaica, of course it was delayed. I think its new slogan should be 'plummeting from new heights' but I guess that wouldn't fit the chirpy jingle that annoys when I get on the plane. Arrived in Kingston, the immigration lined had reached outside the immigration hall and was by the departure lounge! So that was over an hour, and it was every man fi himself. The security people just stare pon us so like them fool-fool. When to claim my bags, and just saw a pile of bags that the baggage handlers had taken off the carousel and placed on the floor. I searched through them, as best as I could, but it was just chaos. I couldn't find my bags. Waited there for over an hour and didn't see my bags. One of the baggage handlers guys said that no more bags from my flight were coming. So I had to join the ever increasing line at baggage services. For the all the years I've been travelling I never once have to join this line. And once again, the security people just look pon us fool-fool and it was every man for himself.

So the guy at the baggage services desk said that my bag should arrive in a day or 2. And that definitely, it should arrive by Christmas! Comforting huh? Anyhow, I just wanted to get my claims receipt, go home, have a shower and go to bed. I'd been up for over 20 hours, with less than 3 hrs sleep.

Anyhow, when I got home, I had this amazing peace about my bags. I was annoyed that Air Jamaica decided not to pack my allowed two pieces of luggage and pack other people's excess luggage. But I knew that God is in control and He would take care of things. Well, when 3 days came and Air Jamaica could not find anything - there was no record of my bags on their system. I admit, I was getting concerned. And I was sharing with my friend Kris that it is like you've lost a child and you just want to know where it is! My mom was praying, my boyfriend Chris was praying, Kris was praying. I was also praying, but sometimes the situation overwhelms you so much that you can't even focus properly on prayer.

But on Monday (the 18th) I found out that one of the bags was in a warehouse in JFK airport. By the evening of the 18th it was in Jamaica! I bounced down the stairs and told my mom. But I still couldn't find one bag. So I decided to go down to baggage centre to collect the bag that I knew was there and do a physical check for the one that was not on the system. Waiting and waiting at the baggage centre, then when they called my number - the attendants carried out both my bags! I wanted to hug the lady so much. And I just smiled and thank God for His grace and His mercy in the situation. Nothing in my bag was missing! All my family's Christmas presents were there! And even before this, God had restored my joy and said to me that I had persevered and done all that I could possibly do and now I needed to leave the rest to Him. And I did. Tears of joy and relief just flowed from my eyes and I just praised God in tongues, because this is a miracle. For 4 days my bags were lost, no one knew where there were - but God knew. And He kept watch over them and returned them to me. And this is one test that has lead to an amazing testimony!

Checking in....

I cannot believe that the last time I posted a blog was in August! I remember when I started doing this blogging business, my friend Kirk warned me that I would never be able to keep it up. Well, I managed the first the few months, but now that I've moved to Staffordshire with no internet connection at home, it's proven very difficult.

This is the first time in years that I haven't had regular access to the internet. Where I can go 3, 4 days without checking my email. The first week after I moved to Staffordshire, I suffered severe internet withdrawal symptoms. My new laptop has WIFI and I decided to test it out. So I logged on at home, and in seconds my laptop found a wireless network that I could use! I called Chris with excitement saying that I have internet access at home! I've found a wireless connection, no more isolation from the outside world. He was quick to point out that what I had in fact done was 'hack' into someone else's wireless network that wasn't protected, therefore making it illegal. How quickly my bubble burst. Now, I cycle to the library, trying to beat the over 60s to a computer so that I can use it for an hour. Oh, how my life has changed!

How's it been Staffordshire so far? Well, it's different! It's very quiet. Not many students around. A lot of cats! But at least you don't have to watch where you're walking for vomit (as in Leeds), instead you look out for dog poo! But just over the bridge where I live is some lovely countryside (Rosliston). I am now commuting to Leeds once or twice a week. And I now found myself waking up at 5am to catch a 6:25am train so that I can be on time to teach my 10am tutorial. By the time I catch the 5:10pm train home, I just want to have dinner and go to bed. And usually that's what I do.

Oh! I've also learnt to ride a bicycle! Well, re-learn to ride one. I haven't ridden on a bicycle since I was age 8 or 9. A couple from the church that I go to, gave me their daughter's old road bike. When I tried cycling up a hill with this old, steel frame bike, I thought that I had done some permanent damage to my legs. I cycled to church, sweating pouring from my face (in Autumn), legs throbbing. Sitting down and standing up were both painful. And I felt that I would never be able to get the knack of cycling again - or at least that it wouldn't hurt so much.

And God has been doing amazing things in my life! I don't even know where to begin! First of all, I'm blessed to be in the church that I'm in now. Chris and I go to the same church, and it's such a blessing to be able to see him everyday. And to be honest, this is the happiest I've been since I been in England (5 years in January). I've written 2 chapters in a month and a half. That's about as much as I wrote in 2 years! But I believe in a supernatural God who can work beyond human logic and can give you the strength when you need it the most. And I just feel this tremendous peace, that I haven't felt in such a long time. I thank God that He has given me this opportunity and I look forward to telling you more about what He's been doing. Well, that was why I started this blog after all.

God bless

Lots of love

Julie

'You can't eat "God bless yous"'

My friend, CP was sharing with me last night her frustration with walking in faith when she said 'It's not that I don't have faith, but you can't eat "God bless yous!" I know that in my life and I can see from hers that sometimes we just get so tired of walking in faith. It's ironic, or probably God's intention that my Scripture reading for this morning came from Hebrews 11, which I sometimes called the 'Faith Chapter.'

'Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen

For by it the elders obtained a good testimony.

By faith we understand that the worlds were framed by the word of God,

so that the things which are seen were not made of things which are visible'

Hebrews 11: 1-3 NKJV

And when I continued reading the chapter and it talks about these elders (Abel, Enoch, Noah) and the father of faith, Abraham and they're testimony of what walking in faith did for them and their relationship with God. I want that! I desperately want to be able to walk in the complete knowledge that God has got me, God has complete control over my life. But it's for my mind to catch up with my heart. To be honest, I feel like I've just been drifting in existence. I don't feel like I've been 'walking'...well anywhere! When I wake up in the morning I don't see a purpose to my day besides completing my expected activities. I know God is there, but I feel so unsatisfied when I come to the end of the day and I realise that I haven't even spent 5 minutes with Him! Yet I crave the relationship that these people have with God, as well as other people who I know, whose relationship with God seems so close!

My prayer life and bible reading has dwindled so much since I've been back home. I've been ignoring God, and yet I want the fruit of someone that has invested the time to be with Him. But I find myself in this rut where I don't want to be here. I want to read my Bible everyday, I want to talk God everyday and there are days when I don't. But, to get the energy to move out of that and get back to God just doesn't seem to be there. Then the pity party starts when I wonder where God is when things just seem to getting from bad to worse. I must admit that sometimes I find faith a burden, like CP said last night, the yolk feels heavier than you imagined. Doubt enters your mind...'is it worth it?' My heart screams 'Of course! Hello!! Remember the gift of salvation! Remember that it is through faith you will see your Heavenly Father!' When you walk into a battle (which is what happens once you give your life to Christ) and you don't have your armour on...this is what happens. Me and the way I'm feeling right now, is because I haven't been wearing armour and I've been walking into this battle for months now butt-naked! I'm getting beaten. I'm thinking maybe it's easier being on the other side, it doesn't seem half as stressful as standing your ground and battling the arrows coming my way.

I promised myself that whenever I got like this, I would read what Jesus went through before he was even crucified, which is one of the most painful ways to die. Remembering those nails piercing his wrists and his feet, going through flesh and bone to the wooden cross and hung up there in shame...God's only begotten Son. Is it so hard to walk in faith? Even when it seems that everything's against you. But believing that God is with you, He's got you, He will never leave you alone. No, you can't eat 'God bless yous' but it's amazing what you can do when you are blessed by God and your life will be a testimony to that.

Joshua Donovan Lorr Grizzle

There he is, sound asleep, just 2 days old. Doesn't he look peaceful? Who knew that about 5 mins after this photo was taken, we got a sample of his lung capacity when he began crying...hmmmm???

I went to see my sister at the hospital today and I held my nephew for the first time. He was just so fragile and small (3.3kg). I feared that my adult size hands would break him, but yet weren't big enough to give him the support that his delicate body needs. Staring at him I noticed how delicately formed were his hands, every finger and fingernail beautifully sculpted by our 0Heavenly Father - his button sized nose, and his pouty red lips, were just adorable! And then, he did the first thing that made me gush - he yawned for the first time. Every muscle in his face contracted to make it happen, his arms flared out and his legs kicked, his whole body was involved in making this small action. I know, I know, I'm getting mushy.

Even though this isn't my own child, I understand when people say that they could look at their babies all day and not get bored. Because, to be honest, I could just look at Josh all day, just to see what new movement his face would make. How would his hands move? Would his eyebrows twitch? Does he wrinkle his nose? When I held Josh for the first time, he sneezed on me 3 times! I began to think my own baby nephew was allergic to me! And I was feeling sad about that, because I couldn't bear thought of not being able to hold him! I am soooooo getting mushy!

I held him for about 20 mins, until he wanted feeding. Thank goodness that's my sister's department and not mine. My sister and a friend were giving me advice when the time came for me to have my own children....I indulged in their wishful thinking. Their first nugget of wisdom was 'Take the drugs!' My sis said and I quote 'No mek no baddy tell yuh nuh foolishness about natural childbirth. It's not all that!' Given that I don't have a very high pain threshold, I think I will definitely take my sister's advice on that one. Their second nugget of wisdom was 'Take the drugs!' Hmmmmm...I'm beginning to get the idea that my fear of childbirth, is well founded! Since all they could talk about was the pain and agony they went through when they had children, and by the way, it's not forgettable pain!

My sis and my nephew go home tomorrow, and he meets the rest of his family - his big brother Nathaniel and his Auntie Jen. But I must admit that that precious thing (which I still say looked like a little rat when he was just born) had been growing in my sister's tummy for 9 months and has now this, a human being, one that has body, soul and spirit. I pray for him, because the way this world is, he's going to be need to be tough and well-rooted in the Word of God. So I pray that my sister and her husband will train him in the way he should go, so that he can grow up to be a mighty man of God.

Welcome to Jamrock Baby Joshua

Well, after almost 2 days of labour my sister gave birth to baby Joshua today. I must admit, seeing my sister during the last couple of months of her pregnancy, and hearing her cry out in pain during delivery - has more or less turned off any switch that may have been on regarding childbirth.

I went to visit her yesterday on the pre-natal ward, and seeing all these pregnant women waddle to and from their beds and on top of that seeing my sister in the beginnings of her contractions....I'm telling you, the light switch off, the shop lock, there's nobody home! I ain't having no baby I tell you! Though everybody that I say that to says that when 'baby fever' lick me, there's nothing in this world that can stop me from having one. Okay, that may be true, but for the moment I am so grossed out by the thought of childbirth, it may take me a good couple years to get over this - call it delaying the inevitable, I don't know!

What I do know is that when my brother-in-law showed me a picture of Joshua when he just came out of the womb...okay, now this was disturbing on two levels: 1. Seeing my sister in that childbirth position, with her legs sprawl out on the bed...was not pretty and 2. The boy look like one black rat! Babies are not pretty when they're just born. So, yes, anyway...when I first saw my baby nephew the first word out of my mouth was....'Ewwwwww' (though that isn't a word, but you catch my drift). Because to be honest him did look nasty. But as you can see from the pic he cleans up well. And him don't resemble the rat-like figure I saw a few minutes earlier.

My sister, God bless you my child. I am so glad it was you and not me! I'm praying for you, because raising two bwoy pickney not easy sista! But I'm here for you - always. John, my brother-in-law, you can now pass down your love for dismantling things and putting them back together to another child :o) But the fun has just begun! Bring on the sleepless nights!

So, welcome to Jamrock Joshua...I don't know what your life will be like. But if the Lord is your anchor, you can face any storm. Auntie Julie loves you and will be praying for you!

You know you're fat when...

....you're walking back from taking Holy Communion and someone pinches you as you walk past and says 'You putting on too much weight'

....you're in the middle of a conversation and someone interrupts to pat you on the stomach and asks 'How you get so fat?'

....you're referred to as 'broad bottom' by your gym instructor.

These are some of the recent comments I've received about my weight since I've been back home. Though I must admit it wasn't as bad as when I came home for the first time in a long time in December 2004. This was when I counted on both hands (at least twice) the people who mentioned how much weight I had put on. But then there also was the stares of shock people gave you as you were talking to them. I'm not sure which one was worse. But since then, every time I've returned home, I brace myself for the comments someone is going to make about my weight.

My weight is something that I've battled with for as long as I remember. I tried so many diets. There was the orange juice diet (that's all I had for breakfast, lunch and dinner) very sickly. Then there was the 'reverse diet' where I had dinner for breakfast and vice-versa. I also tried the carrot and water diet, but after a while the palm of my hand looked as if I had jaundice. I even tried being bulimic, but I didn't quite get the knack of forcing myself to vomit.

I think my most successful 'diet' was when I ate nothing but fish and vegetables and drank only water. It was when I was 18 and I went down to 115 lbs (8 st 2). People at university thought that I was anorexic because I had lost so much weight. *sigh* a distant dream...

But it all changed in the summer of 1999. I went to Mexico for 9 weeks. I was hoping that I could maintain my diet. But that was not to be. There was a mix-up in my dietary requirements and my host mom was never told that I wanted to eat only fish. So, I was fed every fattening thing you could think of: frijoles, fried beef, quesadillas, tortillas, fried chicken. And let's not even talk about the desserts! So I said bye-bye to once 8 st figure, forever. Now I'm 147 lbs (10 st 5) and my weight (given the tone of my gym instructor's voice) seems life-threatening. She's ordered me to eat salads, and if I need to eat rice - brown rice only. And for my tipple of choice? Good ol' WATA.

My mom's encouraging to go back on her fat metabolisers as I did last year. But actually I don't want to. I can't even remember to take my vitamins once a day, much less tablets 4 times a day! Anyhow, my liver will thank me for it. I want to lose the weight the old fashioned way! Woo-hoo!

So next time you feel an earth tremor or an earthquake, it's either me doing aerobics or I've fallen off my bed :o)

Until next time...

Sweet, sweet Jamaica....

It's been just over two weeks since I've been home and it's been really good being back. In my first week, Mommy cooked all my favourite breakfast meals: ackee and saltfish, johnny cakes, roast breadfruit, calaloo and banana, even mackarel run down.

Coming back home is becoming a bittersweet experience. It's great seeing my family and my friends. But I also see that so many things change, and so many things stay the same. In my first week I was here, what I call the 'accident of the year' happened. See the following link: http://jamaicaobserver.com/news/html/20060624t190000-0500_107728_obs_a_hell_of_a_crash_.asp. A doctoral student and a lawyer died in this gruesome accident. What shook me was the situation of the doctoral student, because I am in a similar situation. Bailey (the doctoral student) had completed his dissertation and was due to defend his thesis in a few months time. He also going to start lecturing in his department in September. There are times when I think given the point I am in my life, that I couldn't die now, because I've come this far, and what would be the point of dying now not achieveing what I'm working so hard for - my PhD.

Probably it's naivete or hopeful thinking that I believe I won't die before completing my PhD and getting the opportunity to use this qualification. But was Bailey thinking the same thing. As he was driving home on Saturday morning, was he making plans for the rest of the day? Was he thinking about his arguments to defend his thesis? I'm sure he was waiting with anticipation to start lecturing in September and get the opportunity to use his qualification. Unfortunately Jamaica has lost a brilliant mind, who will never get the opportunity to share his knowledge. And I'm tempted to question God. How could this happen? Why couldn't you intervene in this horrific accident? But there are things that happen in this world that I will never understand. And it's not for me to question God, though this story really gave me a wake up call on my own mortality. I wish I was as brave as Dennis Seivwright saying that he's ready to die, see: http://www.jamaica-gleaner.com/gleaner/20060630/lead/lead2.html.

I pray that I will live to call myself Dr Pencle. I pray that Mommy who has sacrificed so much for me, will get the opportunity to see me accept my degree. I pray that I will get the opportunity to use my qualifications. Sometimes, I feel that I am in control of my life, and I think I can see that it is going in a logical sequence. Then this curveball is thrown in my life (the accident), to be frank has made me scared of the future. But there's a song that was sung at my Aunt Lorraine's funeral and is often sung at my Church in Jamaica that always encourages me when I feel like this. It goes:

I don't know about tomorrow; I just live from day to day.

I don't borrow from its sunshine. For its skies may turn to grey.

I don't worry o'er the future, for I know what Jesus said.

And today I'll walk beside Him, for He knows what is ahead.

Many things about tomorrow I don't seem to understand

But I know who holds tomorrow and I know who holds my hand.

There are many things in life that I don't understand, but I know that my future is in the best hands possible - Jesus Christ.

AAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!

....That's the way my life has been over the past few weeks. It's just been deadlines upon deadlines. Deadlines for handing PhD work. Deadlines for handing in exam marking - that seemed to be the more time consuming activity. In addition to that I was packing to move to Staffordshire which was exhausting, emotionally and physically. But even in the midst of the whirlwind, God was and still is in control.

Chris and I moved most of my stuff to Staffordshire last week Thursday (June 1) and Friday (June 2). We got lost a couple times when we got into and when we were trying to leave Leeds. But we were able to do the whole moving process without arguing. This in itself is a miracle, given that I've been functioning on limited sleep for a while, and I always get stressed out when I move - always. But we prayed before we moved and we handed over the whole situation to God. Carrie Underwood has a song called 'Jesus take the wheel' - and that's exactly what He did.

Friday was the day when it could have really exploded. We were exhausted from moving the day before, and we were aiming to get up early on Friday to move the remainder and be back before rush hour. We got up early as planned, I was going to have a shower - realised there was no water. The water had been shut off for some repairs to the pipes; but it was supposed to be back on before we got up. Chris' mom didn't fill any water buckets, because she said whenever she's done it before nothing ever happens, and she feels as if she's wasting water. So, the one time we needed her forward thinking - didn't happen. I was getting a bit stressed out because things were not going to plan. You'd think I'd learn by know that there's my plans and there's God's - and His is always better. But thanks be to God for Chris' Dad who filled up some watercans the night before (but annoyingly, didn't tell any of us) so at least we could use the toilets. We decided that we'd have a shallow bath and then when we get to Leeds we'd have a proper shower after we finished moving.

But when all this fiasco was happening, my 2nd thought was (the 1st was one of frustration for not having any water) how blessed we are to live in a country that we can get fresh water just by turning a tap. So many countries in the world are not privy to that knowledge. They've never experienced that. And here we were getting frustrated because we couldn't have our cup of tea or coffee, or a shower! Forgive me Lord for grumbling! But the things after all our frustration of things not going to plan, what we were setting out to do was done. We got to Leeds at a good time and we left before rush hour in Leeds - and there wasn't any major hold up anywhere on the road. So, thanks be to God!

On Wednesday, I will be flying home to Jamaica for the summer. So my next entry will more than likely be from there. So much is happening this summer. My sister's having a baby in August. My dad turns 70 in July. So it's a summer for celebrating life and remembering God's blessings.

I'd like to share with you something I read this morning. It was from Colossians and I was really drawn to this verse:

Have the roots [of your being] firmly and deeply planted [in Him.

fixed and founded in Him], being continually built up in Him,

becoming increasingly more confirmed and established in the faith,

just as you were taught, and abounding and overflowing in it

with thanksgiving.

Colossians 2:7 (Amplified Bible)

This is my prayer for myself and for all of my friends.

Amen

How do I love?

Deuteronomy 6: 5-6 says:

You shall love the Lord your God with all your [mind and] heart

and with your entire being

and with all your might.

And these words which I am commanding you this day

shall be [first] in your own minds and hearts.

This was the Scripture reading at my church yesterday. And when I read it, something nudged me inside, and my eyes were opened. I was going through my Christian life, not realising that I wasn't doing the first thing that God commanded me to do! As I reflected on this last night, I wrote this prayer in my journal:

God, teach me to love you with all my mind and my heart and with my entire being and with all my might. God my whole life must be focused on loving you. How can I do this God? I yearn for this! I am spiritually starving for this! Fill me with your Holy Spirit, Dear God. Consume with your fire. Burn out whatever will prevent me from obeying this command.

What a challenge?! I say that God is my first love, but is he really? What comes between me and Him? What prevents me from dedicating completely to Him? I know that at times it's fear. Fear of letting go, what I know and going towards what I don't know. When I say to God I want to love You as You commanded me, I am scared of what He will ask me to do because of that love.

When Jesus re-instated Peter after he denied knowing Him, He asks Peter three times 'Do you love me?' Three times, Peter times says yes. Three times Jesus gives Peter instructions: 'Feed my lambs' (John 21: 15), 'Shepherd (tend) my Sheep' (John 21:16), 'Feed my sheep' (John 21:17). When we say we love Jesus, He will ask us to do things for Him, for the benefit of His Kingdom. Am I ready? I pray again, God, remove from within me whatever will prevent me from obeying this command.

In Jesus name I pray, Amen.

Restoration

On Monday, the 15th of May, I went to my prayer group. I must admit I wasn't looking forward to going. I have found it difficult to become a part of this group and I almost gave up on it. But I was having such a bad day, that I just didn't want to go back to my student accommodation and stay in my room, I needed Christian company. And I'm so glad I went. It was a good time for me to stay focused on God after a difficult day. When we came together to pray, we asked God to use the gift of prophecy and words of knowledge, to help us to seek His face.

Initially, I got the word 'restoration' in my head. I didn't mention it then, because I wanted to make sure it was from God. But every now and again, it would come up in my mind - 'restoration.' Probably about an hour into our prayer session, Beth asked if God had given or shown anyone anything. Well, my mouth opened, I don't remember consciously doing it and said I kept on getting the word 'restoration' in my head. And the message given to me was relating to the restoration of the church. Another person in the group, Simon, said that he also got a picture of a building that had been weathered and was being restored. When we prayed about this message, I got another picture of a bride, and so the Holy Spirit led me to pray for the church, who Jesus Christ called His bride. I prayed that the church have restoration in its faith in God and in its love for God.

It was just an amazing session together! I'm learning to wait on God and not feel the pressure to pray because everyone else has said something and you haven't! We all prayed that the Holy Spirit would lead our time together. Amongst other things, I felt really burdened to pray for those who had lost their faith in God, because of the situation they're in. I felt that God had turned His back on our family because my brother walked out on us. But in January, I prayed and asked God that this be the year of restoration and healing for my family. It took me years to learn that I couldn't blame God for what people did by their own free will.

Until next time...God be with you all.

He emailed me!!!

If you didn't know, this blog was started because I had a very hurtful encounter with my brother a couple of months ago. I called him at work and was so excited to hear his voice for such a very long time, probably over 10 years. Unfortunately, he wasn't as happy to hear from me. The thing is, because I had upset him so much, I just feared he would retaliate and close down the shutters on our communication again, as they were just beginning to open. He hasn't been around for about 13 years, and I miss him dearly. And I've prayed on and off during those years of absence for God to restore our family with his return, because his absence has affected all of us.

Well, today he sent me an email, asking me to forward his Mother's e-card to Mommy, because it coming back to him as being undeliverable. Okay, so I may have been the go-between. But I consider this to be one of those breakthroughs that you need to encourage you in your faith and a boost to your prayer life.

Today, I also went up for prayer after church. I have been in such a dark cloud mentally for weeks now and it has been affecting my work. I know that it was a mental warfare. But I just felt too oppressed to pray for myself. Why does it seem that you keep on being prayed for the same thing though? But, the release that I felt through prayer was amazing. I don't think I had ever wept that much in front of strangers. I almost finished the box of tissues they handed me! When I was in the church service, I knew that I wanted to go up for prayer. But something said that I shouldn't, because it was a sign of weakness. When I told Chris this, he said that anything tells not to go up for prayer is more than likely not from God. We're called to persevere in prayer for other people and for ourselves. We are supposed to bear each other's burdens. The Church is more than a building, it's more than coming together on a Sunday. The Church is a community, a community in Christ.

I think sometimes we forget this.....

Have you heard????

I was invited out this evening for drinks with some people from Uni. Usually I turn down this invitation because the people around me either get completely drunk or smoke and you end up smelling that you've chain smoked about 100 cigarettes! But tonight I accepted, and it was really lovely. I met some undergrads, and another Christian!!! That was very exciting!!! We didn't get to talk much about that aspect of things, but it was great to be sitting beside someone who probably believed the same thing you did. So there were 3 guys and 5 girls.

But when the guys left, us girls got down to catching up what's been happening in our lives. It was a bit strange because even though we know each other from being in the same department we each have our own separate circle of friends, so we don't get together like this, very often - at least not with me. And then it moved into Department gossip. And I really struggled with this, as a Christian. I mean, you want to know what's going on with other people's lives and believe some the stories I heard tonight were jaw-droppers! But God clearly states in His word that we shouldn't take part in that sort of conduct. Leviticus 19:16 says "Do not spread slanderous gossip among your people." (NLT) So, I must confess before you (my readers) and before God, I am sorry that my action was against what God outlines for His people, it was not good Christian conduct. And I don't want to excuse by saying that through gossip, I found that I needed to be careful about how I interact with someone in the department, or else I may be giving the wrong signs, which could lead to a very complicated situation - but anyhow that is another story.

What really struck me was the state of these people's lives. I'm not saying that I am perfect - by no means. We have all fallen short of the glory of God and we are all sinners. But two of these girls were in relationships and they both cheated on their boyfriends. One said she did because her boyfriend cheated on her, but she felt really guilty about it - she's still with him, but wants to break up with him eventually. The other broke up with her boyfriend after she had a fling with another guy.

My relationship with Chris isn't perfect, and we have gone through our ups and downs and our rough patches. But the one thing that has made it stable is that it is centred on God. Chris asked me, in life who comes first? And I honestly said, God. If there is anything in our relationship that is going to affect my relationship with God, then it needs to go. It wasn't always that way. When we started going out, my life centred about Chris and what he thought about me rather than what God thought about me and my relationship with God. But it does take time and dedication, and to be honest the grace and mercy of God to make this work.

To be honest, I felt like a fish out of water with these people. They are lovely girls - all of them. But there was a connection I felt with John (the Christian guy) that wasn't there with others when he left.

It is difficult interacting with people who don't believe the same thing that you do. But this is the prayer Jesus prayed for us, when He knew was leaving this earth:

I'm not asking you to take them out of the world,

but keep them safe from the evil one.

They are not part of this world any more than I am.

Make them pure and holy by teaching them your words of truth.

As you sent me into the world, I am sending them into the world.

John 17:15-18 (NLT)

Panic Attack!!!!

Okay,

Here's the story:

I love music. I listen to it when I'm walking, when I'm working, it's always in the background. For Christmas, Chris and his family gave me a MP3 player, which I've nicknamed Zen. Zen's been my travelling partner and he keeps me company when I'm doing my research.

Well, today I thought I had lost him. I noticed he wasn't in my room last night, and I just that maybe I had misplaced him somewhere in my handbag. But I began a more systematic search for him - I couldn't find him! And then my mind reflected on my activities yesterday. I was cooking, and I was cutting up vegetables. And I thought *gasp* I've thrown him in the bin! I searched the bin in the kitchen, and then Maiko (my flatmate) told me that they had taken out the garbage this morning.

Now, I live in student accomodations in a residence with thousands of students. The thought of rummaging through hundreds of bags of rubbish was not appealling! And then I felt nauseated and so disappointed in myself. How could I throw a very expensive piece of equipment away! Literally! I called Chris and I was hysterical on the phone. I felt so terrible and so stupid!

I asked another of my flatmates and she said that there's a note on the fridge (which in my blind panic I didn't see) saying that another of my flatmates (I have 5) found a 'music thing - purple in a black case' on the floor outside our flat. The excitement that I felt - I couldn't express. I knew it was Zen! I don't know how I dropped it, because I believed that it was clipped onto my belt.
I just thanked God for allowing him to be found!

But the site office where Fiona my flatmate handed Zen into wouldn't be open until Monday. So I prayed asking me to prepare myself - if it wasn't him.

When I walked into the site office on Monday and saw him lying there on the desk by the warden. I just thanked God for giving him back to me.

God is good - all the time

Let her cry

For the past few days I have been battling with hayfever. It is such an uncomfortable experience, mainly because there is very little you can do to alleviate the symptoms. So I've been sneezing, coughing, blowing my nose so loudly it echoes, because of microscopic pollen in the air! I've recently seen hayfever as another illustration of man's fight against nature since the Fall (but that's another story).

I've been spending Easter with Chris and his family in Derbyshire. Easter Sunday was such a beautiful day, the sun was out in a bright blue sky. It was almost if nature was celebrating the significance of the day, as we remember that Jesus is the Victor over death. Because He conquered death, He is alive and His message brings life to so many people in the world. Chris and I went out and sat in a nearby field and did Bible Study. Monday was such a change as we found ourselves arguing so much about the most petty things! For instance, me not liking ice hockey and car parking - I told it was petty. And then Chris felt he was becoming ill, so he was a bit miserable and I felt disappointed. We had so many good days together and now in a couple days I am returning to Leeds, and he's become ill. It's such a big deal because it affects the brief time that we have together, as you're not yourself when you're ill.

But yesterday, I also had a tough battle with self-esteem. I woke up feeling so fat and ugly and when you look in the mirror you just see the proof to confirm it - staring back at you. My face had a bit of a stress related break out and to top that off I had added some extra poundage because of the season!

Psalm 139:14 says: I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made (NIV). Then why does a couple of spots on my face, and a bit of a rounder tummy convince me that I am not beautiful?! God has made me. Not only that God has made me 'wonderfully.' Last night, because of everything, because I felt so ugly and so fat and then instead of walking, I'm waddling - I broke down and cried. I don't know where it came from, I didn't even know I had that many tears in me! Chris held me as I cried. And he told me that I am beautiful. I said he had to say that because he is my boyfriend. He said 'No, it's because it's the truth.' But why can't I believe that being made in God's image is enough? Why does outside opinion matter so much?

I don't want it to be an excuse to let myself go and not be sensible about what I eat, and not taking care of my body. But it's the affect it has on your mind and how you see yourself, when you are a couple pounds of heavier. It's the sadness that you feel. The guilt that burdens you when you eat Turkish Delight Easter Eggs! You begin to hate the food that God has provided for you. Food that is such a blessing, I sometimes see as a curse because of indulgence. Which is frankly - greed. It's achieving that balance that is important. There is no need to despise what God has given me, as long as it had in moderation.

I am fearfully and wonderfully made...Help me Lord to see...

Hot Cross Buns...

Do you remember the song of Hot Cross Buns?

Hot cross buns
Hot cross buns
One a penny Two a penny
Hot cross buns

To be honest, that's all I can remember of the song as well. But the point of me mentioning this, is that today is one of the most significant days in a Christian's life - Good Friday. This was the day that Jesus Christ, God's only son (one singer calls Him the Darling of Heaven), was crucified for our sins (even if you are not a Christian). However, Easter is portrayed as the time for Easter Egg Hunts, chocolate Easter Eggs and Hot Cross Buns - I hope you saw the link there :o)

Today, I went on a Good Friday Walk where you walk with a cross in front to a central location and then you are joined with other churches in the area. We went to Burton-on-Trent, a very busy town and had a open air time of worship, prayer and telling people (who were busy getting their shopping done) that Jesus died for them and they could have an extraordinary life by choosing Him! Which is true, you can! One girl who told her story of becoming a Christian, said that by choosing Jesus, she chose freedom. He made her free of her drug addictions. Now, instead of waking up thinking about her next fix, she wakes up thinking about Jesus and how much she loves Him.

I went to a vigil today at Church and we read through the Gospel of Matthew's description of Jesus' trial and crucifixion. Every year I read this account, and every year I try to understand the weight that Jesus' bore for me (sometimes it's so hard to imagine). For the times that I lied, for the times I got angry, for the times when I stole, for the times when I was jealous, for all the wrongs that I did - Jesus was nailed on that cross for me. The ridicule and pain that He suffered; the most painful being separated from His Father and unaware of his presence, which He always had from the very beginning. That's why He cried out to God: "My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?" (Matthew 27:46).
God could not bear to look at His only begotten Son, because all of our sins - because all of my sins had been piled on Him. What an amazing sacrifice! What a loving God! All of that for me?

The song In Christ Alone says it well:

In Christ alone, who took on flesh

Fullness of God in helpless babe

This gift of love and righteousness

Scorned by the ones He came to save

Till on the cross as Jesus died

The wrath of God was satisfied

For every sin on Him was laid

Here in the death of Christ I live

Stuart Townsed Copyright:2001 Kingsway's Thankyou Music

I could go on and on about the gift of God's sacrifice, and you may think I probably have. But I ask you this question: Have you chosen Christ? Do you think it's important to find out about this man who died for you?

And for those of you who have chosen Christ, please remember the sacrifice that He made for you and how that has affected your lives.

A mug of coffee and two mugs of tea

Note to self: Drinking a mug of coffee and two mugs of tea should be avoided in the future!

The things is, I could not fall asleep last night! But, I'm not sure if it was the caffeine or the joy and excitement after an hour just praying and crying out to God. Something in me changed after I spent that time with God. I did not feel the same (and no I didn't feel worse). There were times in the past when I felt tired the moment it was said 'Let us pray.' Whether it was in church or in a group, my spirit would feel tired and my mind would tune out.

Last night that did not happen! I went to a group started by my church (St. George's Leeds). The group is for people who want to pray and spend time with God. It was different because we spent some time in silence, just listening for inspiration from the Holy Spirit and some time in prayer. There are times when I was afraid of silence ( it was a bit uncomfortable for me last night) and wanted to pray just to break it. I try and cram as many issues as I can think of because I am scared of the silence! The Bible says 'Be still and know that I am God' (Psalm 46:10)

But back to last night! Our prayer time was based on Habbakuk 1: 1-4 which says:

How long, O Lord, must I call for help? But you do not listen! "Violence!" I cry, but you do not come to save. Must I forever see this sin and misery all around me? Wherever I look, I see destruction and violence. I am surrounded by people who love to argue and fight. The law has become paralyzed and useless, and there is no justice given in the courts. The wicked far outnumbered the righteous, and justice is perverted with bribes and trickery. (NLT)

Isn't that such a reflection of the world today?! So that's what we prayed about! We prayed for the world specifically: Jamaica, England and Zimbabwe. We prayed for the Christians working there who are laughed at because of their faith. Because it seems that the God they love and serve is not answering. We prayed for the Church, particulary the one in England. The Church has forgotten that all the authority of Jesus was given to them. The Church has forgotten the Great Commission given by Jesus:

I have been given complete authority in heaven and on earth. Therefore, go and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. Teach these new disciples to obey all the commands I have given you. And be sure of this: I am with you always even to the end of the age. (Matthew 28: 18-20 NLT)

For those of you who don't believe in Jesus Christ, don't feel left out...we prayed for you too :o) I used to be where you are, and thinking my life would be great as long as I got a good job, a house, a car, and a husband. I understand the uncertainty you have about making this step of faith. I know that it feels uncomfortable. But it will be the most rewarding thing you can ever do! My life has changed completely! Listen, the fact that I enjoyed praying for an hour is testimony of God's work in me! And there's so much more! Send me a comment if you want to find out more about this, and why you should choose Jesus.

I am so grateful to God for the time that I spent with Him last night with my group. It changed me (for the better) and I pray that I continue to be changed.

Until next time.... :o)

What's on your mind?

This is my second day at blogging and already I had to call on Blogger Support because I forgot my username and password! There are so many things you have to remember: passwords, combinations, birthdays, appointements. A typical day for me is:

1. Remembering the passwords for the (trying to count in my head)....5 email addresses I have!
2. Then when I get to the University I have to remember the code to get into the PhD office
3. If I want to print something, I need to remember the code to get into the computer cluster
4. If I want to photocopy something for my tutorials - I have a Teaching Assistant's (TA's) code for the photocopier
5. If I want to photocopy something for my research - I have a PhD code for the photocopier!

I find the mind fascinating - so powerful, yet so fragile. Life's pressures can cause it to shut down. But I have found that reading and meditating on God's word (the Bible) strengthens it.

Chris (my boyfriend) and I went to London for a week recently and we found it the most amazing week that we've had! It was great sightseeing and meeting up with friends. But we believe what made the difference was the spiritual imput we had.

We are very close to a church called the Eagle Christian Ministries, in Croydon. It is a church that lives by the Bible and is dedicated to proclaiming the message of Jesus and by doing that they have touched lives. Chris and I have never left any service feeling the same. We always feel more empowered and strengthened in our faith!

When we were there we visited the Pastor, Rev Louis Arku and he was checking up on us - finding how life was back where we lived. I mentioned that I felt I had a mental block when it came to my research. I really struggled writing and getting my thoughts down in a coherent manner. It was really frustrating and I was beginning to feel scared about my progress. I felt I wasn't good enough, I was too slow. With this kind of progress, how was I going to complete my PhD and become Dr Julie-Ann Pencle (that looks and sounds great!).

The fact is my mind was under attack. Satan is the Father of Lies and I had listened to him for too long and believing those lies. He knows how to attack your mind, he knows what will affect you. He's been studying human behaviour for longer than anyone of us will be alive.

I was given some Scriptures that I hope you will find as encouraging as I did:

The first one is Colossians 3: 1-3

If then you were raised with Christ, seek the things which are above, where Christ is, sitting at the right hand of God. Set your mind on things above, not on things on earth. For you died and your life is hidden with Christ in God. (NKJV)

Another one that really helped me was Phillipians 4: 8 & 13

Finally, brethen, whatever things are true, whatever thinngs are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy - meditate on those things. (NKJV)

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. (NKJV)

Ask yourself who controls your mind? Because whoever does is in charge of your heart and soul.

May the truth of God's word set you free.

Testing...

I must admit, I have avoided techonology trends, but I am captivated by the idea that you can affect millions of people through 'blogging.' This first post is for people to get an idea of who I am. I need to avoid 'airing my dirty laundry' as my mom calls it, so as not to dishonour her.

Well... I am from Jamaica, but I am currently in Leeds, England pursuing my PhD. I am in my 2nd year (one year to go and I cannot wait). I am the youngest of 3. I have a sister and a brother. My sister is in Jamaica, my brother is in Fort Lauderdale. The relationship with my brother is strained, and has been for over 13 years. In a way, he is the reason why I started blogging, because I want him to know that I still love him and we're looking forward to the day that he and his family contacts us.

For years we didn't know where he was. We knew that he was married and he had a little boy, who is now a teenager! I can't believe it! But yesterday for the first time in 10 years, I spoke to him. I heard his voice, and even though he wasn't very pleased to hear my voice - I still see it as an answer to prayer!

This is why I've entitled my blog as 'Walking in Faith.' I am a Christian and I believe that God will restore our family. I have been praying since the beginning of this year, for resolution and restoration for my family. A lot of milestones are happening this year (my dad turning 70, my sister giving birth in August) and I pray that my brother and his family contacting us and making us a complete family will be one of them.

So I hope that you will walk with me in this journey of faith and see what good things God will do :o)