Do I feel secure in God?

Since July of this year, I have been volunteering with Burton Youth for Christ. Initially I went in to help them do some research for a funding bid they were submitting. But my involvement has extended to doing face to face youth work, which I really love (even when the difficult kids get on your nerves)!

Every Monday, unless, there's some exception we have team meeting. It starts out with a time of worship, then we go through updates of the various projects, after which we do a discussion from the Bible.

At the moment, we're going through the Psalms of Ascents (Psalm 120 - 134). I've always found the discussions about the various Psalm encouraging. But this morning, I think because Chris and I had a bit of a rough weekend, I just found myself feeling completely overwhelmed and challenged by it.

The Psalm we discussed today was Psalm 125 which reads:

1 Those who trust in the LORD
Are like Mount Zion,
Which cannot be moved, but abides forever.
2 As the mountains surround Jerusalem,
So the LORD surrounds His people
From this time forth and forever.

3 For the scepter of wickedness shall not rest
On the land allotted to the righteous,
Lest the righteous reach out their hands to iniquity.

4 Do good, O LORD, to those who are good,
And to those who are upright in their hearts.

5 As for such as turn aside to their crooked ways,
The LORD shall lead them away
With the workers of iniquity.

Peace be upon Israel!

In the discussion it the question was posed: Do we feel secure God? Particularly when in the case of this same the Israelites were in a place that they didn't want to be. Do I trust God enough to take me through things when they're not going as they expected. And to be honest, it's been my greatest struggle since I finished my PhD. I wasn't expecting to be out of a job this long, and I am in an expected place, which has shook my trust and security in God. A lot of things have slipped because of me struggling (such as prayer and spending quality time with God looking at His word). Ironically, it is these activities that have made me feel rooted and anchored when I felt completely churned by the winds of life.

I don't know if I feel secure in God right now. It may sound selfish or a backward reasoning, but if I got a job then I'd know that He is actually seeing what I'm going through. Yet, if someone told me this was their situation, I would say 'Of course God is looking after you! He said He'd never leave you nor forsake you!' Then why can't receive that and put that way of thinking into practise?

Why isn't God doing anything about my situation? Why does He seem so silent? How long am I supposed to be in this wilderness?

I do want to be have the faith that Psalmist talks about. I want to have such security in God that nothing will shake me. But right now, I am finding it very difficult....

4 hours spin and my issue with PDA....

My spin instructor, Marg is running the London Marathon next year. It takes minimum of 10 months to train for the marathon and at least 2 weeks to recover from doing this 26 mile run. I would love to have the energy and stamina that she has when I'm 50! So part of her fundraising was do a 4 hour spin in front one of our local supermarkets - Sainsbury's.

Now spin, for all those who are not in the know, is an aerobic exercise that takes place on a specially designed stationary bicycle called (obviously enough) a spinning bike. This is great and burns some serious calories 450 in about 45 mins! I'm addicted to it! I was up at 7am this morning to get picked up by my spin instructor at 8:30am. Helped her move the spin bikes from upstairs the gym, down the hill, across the pedestrian crossing, down another hill, across the car park and to the front of Sainsbury's.

Here comes my issue with PDA. My spin instructor I think from the way she talks about things went through a really rough time with her previous relationship. And I am glad that she has someone new in her life, funnily enough her running partner, who's also running with her in the London Marathon. Maybe I'm a bit of a Scrooge, but PDA does gross me out. I guess I feel uncomfortable because I don't know where to look. Do I just stare at you while you exchange passionate kisses and grope each other's butts?! I think there needs to be some kind of etiquette for those who are observers of PDA.

So we spun...spun? Yeah I think that's right for 4 hrs. 10am to 2pm to raise money for Children with Leukemia, the charity that my spin instructor is running for. And it was an amazing time. Great atmosphere. Good friends together. Singing along to our favourite tracks and making people feel very tired just looking at us! :o)

There are times though where I wish I took more opportunities to share my faith to people. My spin instructor knows I'm a Christian and another lady who spins with me knows that I go to church and that to a non-believer that is as good as having some kind of faith.

And the best surprise when I came home! Chris gave me the phone and said there's a message for you. I received a voicemail from my brother! Burnt bridges are slowly being rebuilt. It's taken us 17 years to get this far and I just know that God's take us all the way. He doesn't do things half-baked!

The Wilderness...

I can't believe the last time that I posted a blog was in June of this year. I've been going through a very difficult time since I completed my PhD studies. It's been a real struggle to keep up with this blog, mainly because I haven't had the motivation to do it. Even though when I actually write something it's so therapeutic and I wonder why it took me so long.

You know you have this idea of what your life is going to look like. For me, when I finished my PhD I thought that all these doors of opportunities would open and I would go sailing into a well-paid job doing the research that I absolutely love. Hmmm...well it's been over a year since I submitted my thesis. December 2 will be a year since I had my viva and was awarded the title of Dr Julie-Ann Ricketts and nothing's happened yet. I thought it would be at least 2 months of job hunting, because hey, I've got a PhD and everyone should want me to work for them. Why would anyone want this talent go to waste!

I never expected this...this was not a part of the plan! And I went from elation of having completed my degree to crying hysterically and not wanting to wake up in the morning. I applied for job after job after job with no response or rejection letters. I began to wonder if doing my PhD was an absolute waste of money and time. Did I throw away 4 years of my life to sit at home?! Was this all it was supposed to amount to? And I found myself slipping into a world of uncertainty, which I found, and still find scary.

So now, I find myself wondering through the wilderness. God seems so silent at this time. I wish I could have flashing neon arrows in the sky pointing to the way I should go. Hey, I'd even appreciate a booming voice from heaven detailing the next steps I should take. But God's not choosing to speak to me in this way. I hope you'll walk with me as I describe my journey through this wilderness. It gets so lonely sometimes.