'You can't eat "God bless yous"'

My friend, CP was sharing with me last night her frustration with walking in faith when she said 'It's not that I don't have faith, but you can't eat "God bless yous!" I know that in my life and I can see from hers that sometimes we just get so tired of walking in faith. It's ironic, or probably God's intention that my Scripture reading for this morning came from Hebrews 11, which I sometimes called the 'Faith Chapter.'

'Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen

For by it the elders obtained a good testimony.

By faith we understand that the worlds were framed by the word of God,

so that the things which are seen were not made of things which are visible'

Hebrews 11: 1-3 NKJV

And when I continued reading the chapter and it talks about these elders (Abel, Enoch, Noah) and the father of faith, Abraham and they're testimony of what walking in faith did for them and their relationship with God. I want that! I desperately want to be able to walk in the complete knowledge that God has got me, God has complete control over my life. But it's for my mind to catch up with my heart. To be honest, I feel like I've just been drifting in existence. I don't feel like I've been 'walking'...well anywhere! When I wake up in the morning I don't see a purpose to my day besides completing my expected activities. I know God is there, but I feel so unsatisfied when I come to the end of the day and I realise that I haven't even spent 5 minutes with Him! Yet I crave the relationship that these people have with God, as well as other people who I know, whose relationship with God seems so close!

My prayer life and bible reading has dwindled so much since I've been back home. I've been ignoring God, and yet I want the fruit of someone that has invested the time to be with Him. But I find myself in this rut where I don't want to be here. I want to read my Bible everyday, I want to talk God everyday and there are days when I don't. But, to get the energy to move out of that and get back to God just doesn't seem to be there. Then the pity party starts when I wonder where God is when things just seem to getting from bad to worse. I must admit that sometimes I find faith a burden, like CP said last night, the yolk feels heavier than you imagined. Doubt enters your mind...'is it worth it?' My heart screams 'Of course! Hello!! Remember the gift of salvation! Remember that it is through faith you will see your Heavenly Father!' When you walk into a battle (which is what happens once you give your life to Christ) and you don't have your armour on...this is what happens. Me and the way I'm feeling right now, is because I haven't been wearing armour and I've been walking into this battle for months now butt-naked! I'm getting beaten. I'm thinking maybe it's easier being on the other side, it doesn't seem half as stressful as standing your ground and battling the arrows coming my way.

I promised myself that whenever I got like this, I would read what Jesus went through before he was even crucified, which is one of the most painful ways to die. Remembering those nails piercing his wrists and his feet, going through flesh and bone to the wooden cross and hung up there in shame...God's only begotten Son. Is it so hard to walk in faith? Even when it seems that everything's against you. But believing that God is with you, He's got you, He will never leave you alone. No, you can't eat 'God bless yous' but it's amazing what you can do when you are blessed by God and your life will be a testimony to that.

Joshua Donovan Lorr Grizzle

There he is, sound asleep, just 2 days old. Doesn't he look peaceful? Who knew that about 5 mins after this photo was taken, we got a sample of his lung capacity when he began crying...hmmmm???

I went to see my sister at the hospital today and I held my nephew for the first time. He was just so fragile and small (3.3kg). I feared that my adult size hands would break him, but yet weren't big enough to give him the support that his delicate body needs. Staring at him I noticed how delicately formed were his hands, every finger and fingernail beautifully sculpted by our 0Heavenly Father - his button sized nose, and his pouty red lips, were just adorable! And then, he did the first thing that made me gush - he yawned for the first time. Every muscle in his face contracted to make it happen, his arms flared out and his legs kicked, his whole body was involved in making this small action. I know, I know, I'm getting mushy.

Even though this isn't my own child, I understand when people say that they could look at their babies all day and not get bored. Because, to be honest, I could just look at Josh all day, just to see what new movement his face would make. How would his hands move? Would his eyebrows twitch? Does he wrinkle his nose? When I held Josh for the first time, he sneezed on me 3 times! I began to think my own baby nephew was allergic to me! And I was feeling sad about that, because I couldn't bear thought of not being able to hold him! I am soooooo getting mushy!

I held him for about 20 mins, until he wanted feeding. Thank goodness that's my sister's department and not mine. My sister and a friend were giving me advice when the time came for me to have my own children....I indulged in their wishful thinking. Their first nugget of wisdom was 'Take the drugs!' My sis said and I quote 'No mek no baddy tell yuh nuh foolishness about natural childbirth. It's not all that!' Given that I don't have a very high pain threshold, I think I will definitely take my sister's advice on that one. Their second nugget of wisdom was 'Take the drugs!' Hmmmmm...I'm beginning to get the idea that my fear of childbirth, is well founded! Since all they could talk about was the pain and agony they went through when they had children, and by the way, it's not forgettable pain!

My sis and my nephew go home tomorrow, and he meets the rest of his family - his big brother Nathaniel and his Auntie Jen. But I must admit that that precious thing (which I still say looked like a little rat when he was just born) had been growing in my sister's tummy for 9 months and has now this, a human being, one that has body, soul and spirit. I pray for him, because the way this world is, he's going to be need to be tough and well-rooted in the Word of God. So I pray that my sister and her husband will train him in the way he should go, so that he can grow up to be a mighty man of God.

Welcome to Jamrock Baby Joshua

Well, after almost 2 days of labour my sister gave birth to baby Joshua today. I must admit, seeing my sister during the last couple of months of her pregnancy, and hearing her cry out in pain during delivery - has more or less turned off any switch that may have been on regarding childbirth.

I went to visit her yesterday on the pre-natal ward, and seeing all these pregnant women waddle to and from their beds and on top of that seeing my sister in the beginnings of her contractions....I'm telling you, the light switch off, the shop lock, there's nobody home! I ain't having no baby I tell you! Though everybody that I say that to says that when 'baby fever' lick me, there's nothing in this world that can stop me from having one. Okay, that may be true, but for the moment I am so grossed out by the thought of childbirth, it may take me a good couple years to get over this - call it delaying the inevitable, I don't know!

What I do know is that when my brother-in-law showed me a picture of Joshua when he just came out of the womb...okay, now this was disturbing on two levels: 1. Seeing my sister in that childbirth position, with her legs sprawl out on the bed...was not pretty and 2. The boy look like one black rat! Babies are not pretty when they're just born. So, yes, anyway...when I first saw my baby nephew the first word out of my mouth was....'Ewwwwww' (though that isn't a word, but you catch my drift). Because to be honest him did look nasty. But as you can see from the pic he cleans up well. And him don't resemble the rat-like figure I saw a few minutes earlier.

My sister, God bless you my child. I am so glad it was you and not me! I'm praying for you, because raising two bwoy pickney not easy sista! But I'm here for you - always. John, my brother-in-law, you can now pass down your love for dismantling things and putting them back together to another child :o) But the fun has just begun! Bring on the sleepless nights!

So, welcome to Jamrock Joshua...I don't know what your life will be like. But if the Lord is your anchor, you can face any storm. Auntie Julie loves you and will be praying for you!