Hello 2010...

I was really happy to see the back of 2009. It had been such a stressful year. A year filled with tears, breakdowns, dissapointments, frustration, anger, attempted suicide. But yet, it was the year when I was honoured to celebrate my first wedding anniversary with Chris. I was awarded the title of Dr Julie-Ann Ricketts at my graduation at Leeds. A year with no injuries, a marriage intact, a house intact, and with the recession - Chris' job intact. We lacked nothing. I think what makes 2009 really hard for me was that I never received the one thing that I wanted...a job fit for my qualifications. I looked around and all the other people who I did my Phd had just walked into excellent jobs.

My relationship with God really slipped. I was angry with Him. I didn't understand what He was doing. He saw my tears. He saw my heart breaking. He saw how hard I was trying to seek employment and yet all these doors were being slammed in my face.

The expectations that I had for myself were not being met and I didn't understand why. So everything, all that I believed in, all that was my security came crashing down and me with it.

I subscribe to the 'Love Worth Finding' devotionals. To be honest, I couldn't bring myself to read them. It seemed smug, unrelated to what I was feeling. It wasn't going to fix my problem! It just said the same thing over and over, trust in God. Hmph! I did, where did that get me?! On anti-depressants and trying to self-harm!

But I realise that if I don't centre myself on Jesus, everything spins out of control. That's what was happening to me.

“...for your heavenly Father knows that you have need of all these things.” Matthew 6:32.

I've started reading my devotionals again and I'm making the effort to put God first in everything that I do. My counsellor says that I need to centre on my inner child. It makes psychological sense, but what's even better than that is centring on Jesus Christ. He can bring back from the brink of whatever breakdown I face.

The New Year always seems to start with a clean slate. Anything can happen. What I want is for God's will to happen. I've tried doing it my way...it doesn't work.

Adrian Rogers commentary on the above bible verse is this: There is nothing that can satisfy apart from your relationship with Him, but it's not because He is a heavy-handed dictator forcing you to accept life the way He dishes it out! Who knows what will satisfy your deepest needs better than the One who made you? As your Creator, He can see what your needs are going to be tomorrow and ten years from tomorrow. Don’t you think He knows what you need today?

It's focusing on not what I want, but what I need. And I need the security of Jesus as an anchor through this year and the years to come...