Let her cry

For the past few days I have been battling with hayfever. It is such an uncomfortable experience, mainly because there is very little you can do to alleviate the symptoms. So I've been sneezing, coughing, blowing my nose so loudly it echoes, because of microscopic pollen in the air! I've recently seen hayfever as another illustration of man's fight against nature since the Fall (but that's another story).

I've been spending Easter with Chris and his family in Derbyshire. Easter Sunday was such a beautiful day, the sun was out in a bright blue sky. It was almost if nature was celebrating the significance of the day, as we remember that Jesus is the Victor over death. Because He conquered death, He is alive and His message brings life to so many people in the world. Chris and I went out and sat in a nearby field and did Bible Study. Monday was such a change as we found ourselves arguing so much about the most petty things! For instance, me not liking ice hockey and car parking - I told it was petty. And then Chris felt he was becoming ill, so he was a bit miserable and I felt disappointed. We had so many good days together and now in a couple days I am returning to Leeds, and he's become ill. It's such a big deal because it affects the brief time that we have together, as you're not yourself when you're ill.

But yesterday, I also had a tough battle with self-esteem. I woke up feeling so fat and ugly and when you look in the mirror you just see the proof to confirm it - staring back at you. My face had a bit of a stress related break out and to top that off I had added some extra poundage because of the season!

Psalm 139:14 says: I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made (NIV). Then why does a couple of spots on my face, and a bit of a rounder tummy convince me that I am not beautiful?! God has made me. Not only that God has made me 'wonderfully.' Last night, because of everything, because I felt so ugly and so fat and then instead of walking, I'm waddling - I broke down and cried. I don't know where it came from, I didn't even know I had that many tears in me! Chris held me as I cried. And he told me that I am beautiful. I said he had to say that because he is my boyfriend. He said 'No, it's because it's the truth.' But why can't I believe that being made in God's image is enough? Why does outside opinion matter so much?

I don't want it to be an excuse to let myself go and not be sensible about what I eat, and not taking care of my body. But it's the affect it has on your mind and how you see yourself, when you are a couple pounds of heavier. It's the sadness that you feel. The guilt that burdens you when you eat Turkish Delight Easter Eggs! You begin to hate the food that God has provided for you. Food that is such a blessing, I sometimes see as a curse because of indulgence. Which is frankly - greed. It's achieving that balance that is important. There is no need to despise what God has given me, as long as it had in moderation.

I am fearfully and wonderfully made...Help me Lord to see...