Walking in Faith

Gazumped!!

2010-06-16T14:12:00.003Z

So there I was, enjoying the beautiful summer weather we don't get very often, preparing my nails to be painted a funky metallic blue for the weekend, when my mobile phone rings. I'm thinking no rush to answer to it they can leave a message. So I sit back and chill and continue to paint my nails funky blue. When I pick up the voicemail, it's from the estate agent that we put the offer in for the house. I call him back. 'This is part of the job that we hate', he says 'Someone has put a higher offer on the house. They've offered the asking price'. My heart sinks and my chest closes up, my head begins to go funny. But I try and be professional telling him that we're supposed to be exchanging contracts tomorrow! In my head I'm really screaming 'This can't be happening! This can't be happening!' I think back to Chris choosing carpets and blinds and curtains. Imagining myself in the house. The conversation I had with Dad (my father-in-law) yesterday about being gazumped! Yes, unlike delish, gazump is actually a word, it's a term for outbidding in the property market.

I cannot believe we've been gazumped!!! It's one of the downsides of buying a repossession property. Even though a property's had an offer on it; a) the property remains on the market and b) the offer is advertised, so it's public knowledge.

I felt like crying. But then I remembered that from the very beginning we gave this whole affair to God. We submitted it to His sovereign will. So, why should I worry. I cannot control this. All I can do is offer it back to God. So I will and I have. I prayed 'Lord you know that we see ourselves in this house. I know that this house came from you and I commit this situation to you.' Satan, ha! You're a defeated foe. My God reigns eternal and He loves me. I am in His will. He knows every hair on my head (even my new baby dreadlock 'Beanie' that's growing). So I'll let you know the outcome.

I am amazed that I haven't smudged my nails whilst typing this post!

Superwoman???

2010-06-15T20:33:00.002Z

Today I posted on my Facebook profile...'Julie N Ricketts has (so far) been to the gym, the bank, the in-laws for lunch, sorted out the buildings insurance, coated and decorated 53 truffles, made the ganache for 20 more,currently coating and decorating 54 more, washed and hung out 2 loads of laundry and has put dinner on..all before 5pm. Does this classify me as 'Superwoman' or just a housewife?!'

No one seemed to vote, besides my friend Mariya. I'm casting my vote for....a housewife, who just happens to be Superwoman! I've hand rolled, coated and decorated over a 150 truffles and I have another batch of ganache in the fridge. At the moment there's more chocolate than actual food in our fridge. I am struggling with space to put everything. Today I had to put some truffles on the sofa to set because there wasn't space anywhere else for their trays. And I'm doing it all over again for my church next week!

I do love it really, even though my ankles are killing me.

I can see the light...I think I can...

Is it possible....??

2010-06-14T20:40:00.005Z

....to kill a truffle???? On my path to my first fair promoting Blue Mahoe Chocolates, which comes up in 5 sleeps! I am having some shall we say technical issues with my guest truffle - the milk chocolate with caramelised hazelnut. In the final stages of coating the last 5 truffles, my chocolatiere machine which up until this point I was very much in love with, decided to kill some of my truffles by making them melt into the white chocolate coating. I could have cried. But I was too spent on emotions. The only emotion I am feeling right now is fatigue, as the clock winds down and I'm trying to keep 'Perfectionist Julie' from raising her ugly head. She is lurking somewhere in the background! I can feel her!

Other chocolate news, I finished my batch of coconut rum truffles and they smell absolutely delish! Is delish actually a word?? Or is my multiple times of watching Clueless coming back to haunt me...Anyhow, I digress. I've hand rolled the milk chocolate truffles which will have a dark chocolate coating sprinkled with fair trade granulated sugar. And this is where my tension level begins to rise , I have yet to make the strawberries and cream truffle!! With my homemade strawberry compote!!! Deep breaths in 1...2...3...and out 1...2...3...

It's 9:53pm here and my eyes are slowly closing. I was so tired that I actually took a nap...a nap...during game 5, of the NBA finals between my team the Celtics and the Lakers! I never take a nap!!! So I think this is my body's cry for a good night's sleep and I'm off to give it to her!

Will keep you posted on the truffle adventure!

PS: did spell check...delish isn't a word....oh well.

Gazebo...

2010-06-11T10:27:00.002Z

Check! After harassing most the people that I know, my friend Sue Wright saved the day and is loaning me her gazebo. I also got fliers to hand out for the fair. It's all very exciting! I can't believe it's actually happening. I am really praying that Blue Mahoe Chocolates is a success. Chris and I have been looking at our finances and after we've bought this house, our savings will have dipped so much. It'd be great if this could be a way to bring in some extra money into the household.

I also have a job interview at the Burton Caribbean Association next week Friday. It's for a post that is such a far cry from what I did my qualifications in. But during our lockdown time Chris and I were talking that actually we're happy with God firmly shutting some doors and blocking some paths to steer us where He wants.

Chris said something that will stick with me for a long time. If you're completely obedient to God, loving him with your entire heart, soul and might, you may not know where you're going, but you'll have a more than worthy guide.

More to come...

Who needs sleep?

2010-06-09T15:55:00.002Z

Do you know what time the birds starting their morning song? 3am. How do I know this exciting fact? I was awake from 3am until 5am with my mind all a-buzz with ideas for Blue Mahoe Chocolates.

Latest news in relation to Blue Mahoe Chocolates (www.wix.com/bluemahoe/blue-mahoe)...I'm doing my first promotion for the business on June 19 at a local craft fair. Handy tip for going to bed and actually getting sleep is not to be thinking about figures and products for your business in bed. Catalogues are officially a banned item in our bedroom!

I almost cringe with the amount of money I spent for equipment and packaging today...over £100! Lord I pray you'll help me make the profit I need!

Chris and I had our first lockdown (bible study) together for months! And it was amazing! I this in itself is a testament to God working in me. I remember when Chris and I first started going out and he tried to encourage us to do bible study, I resisted it so strongly!

Now, I know when we need to spend time together with God because little niggles creep in. It just the discipline that is needed to keep on going, when you feel like it and when you don't.

Right now, I'm on the hunt for a gazebo. I'll let you know how I get on!

Inspiration...

2010-06-08T12:36:00.002Z

Having recently watched the film Julie and Julia with my hubby, I now feel re-inspired to master french cuisine and blog. I don't really think I'll ever be like Julie Powell or Julia Child and master French cooking; though I do want Child's kitchen! And kitchen utensils! And kitchen accessories! But since that's not going to be possible in the near future, what I can do is start blogging again.

I feel that I have been spending too much time on Facebook where one of my darlings from church said 'Is the only place where it's okay to talk to a wall'. I'm not sure if I have anymore followers. Just realised it's been 6 months since I've last written on this blog.

Well, I can tell what's in store...Updates on our house purchase and getting that ready.

Updates on my chocolate truffle business, which I pray will come off the ground for Christmas time!

Updates on my own spiritual growth.

Hope to see you soon

Julie x

Hello 2010...

2010-01-03T10:22:00.002Z

I was really happy to see the back of 2009. It had been such a stressful year. A year filled with tears, breakdowns, dissapointments, frustration, anger, attempted suicide. But yet, it was the year when I was honoured to celebrate my first wedding anniversary with Chris. I was awarded the title of Dr Julie-Ann Ricketts at my graduation at Leeds. A year with no injuries, a marriage intact, a house intact, and with the recession - Chris' job intact. We lacked nothing. I think what makes 2009 really hard for me was that I never received the one thing that I wanted...a job fit for my qualifications. I looked around and all the other people who I did my Phd had just walked into excellent jobs.

My relationship with God really slipped. I was angry with Him. I didn't understand what He was doing. He saw my tears. He saw my heart breaking. He saw how hard I was trying to seek employment and yet all these doors were being slammed in my face.

The expectations that I had for myself were not being met and I didn't understand why. So everything, all that I believed in, all that was my security came crashing down and me with it.

I subscribe to the 'Love Worth Finding' devotionals. To be honest, I couldn't bring myself to read them. It seemed smug, unrelated to what I was feeling. It wasn't going to fix my problem! It just said the same thing over and over, trust in God. Hmph! I did, where did that get me?! On anti-depressants and trying to self-harm!

But I realise that if I don't centre myself on Jesus, everything spins out of control. That's what was happening to me.

“...for your heavenly Father knows that you have need of all these things.” Matthew 6:32.

I've started reading my devotionals again and I'm making the effort to put God first in everything that I do. My counsellor says that I need to centre on my inner child. It makes psychological sense, but what's even better than that is centring on Jesus Christ. He can bring back from the brink of whatever breakdown I face.

The New Year always seems to start with a clean slate. Anything can happen. What I want is for God's will to happen. I've tried doing it my way...it doesn't work.

Adrian Rogers commentary on the above bible verse is this: There is nothing that can satisfy apart from your relationship with Him, but it's not because He is a heavy-handed dictator forcing you to accept life the way He dishes it out! Who knows what will satisfy your deepest needs better than the One who made you? As your Creator, He can see what your needs are going to be tomorrow and ten years from tomorrow. Don’t you think He knows what you need today?

It's focusing on not what I want, but what I need. And I need the security of Jesus as an anchor through this year and the years to come...

Be strong and courageous

2009-12-01T15:52:00.002Z

I've been struggling ( I think struggling is my adjective of the year) with reading my Bible for weeks now...probably months. Another blessing that came out of team meeting on Monday, which I guess I am thankful to God for is that I was introduced to this website called 'journal junkies'. I've been praying for a way in which I can explore the Word of God in a personal and reflective way. Study Bibles are great and I have one that I used regularly, but sometimes reading someone elese's reflection of what the Scripture means to them, makes you feel like an observer rather than being actively involved in the reading and understanding of it...if that makes sense.

So, I'm trying out this format from 'journal junkies' to see if it works. But it will take discipline to keep it up.

Today I read Joshua 1. I must admit, I have dipped into this book very often. The verse that got my attention was verse 9 where God tells Joshua as he's about to go and conquer the land that God has given them...actually I have to start from verse 8:

8 Study this Book of the Law continually. Meditate on it day and night so you may be sure to obey all that is written in it. Only then will you succeed.
9 I command you - be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.

I don't do this. I don't study the Bible continually. I don't meditate on it day and night. I know it's not like a magic formula that if you read the Bible everyday then you will always be successful. But I do remember that the times when I actually took time to spend time in God's word, I did notice that I wasn't as discouraged as I am now. I had hope and a foundation on which to plant my feet.

The promise of God being with me wherever I go is something to hold on to at least. I feel so lost right now. Tomorrow, is a year since I was awarded my PhD. And what do I have to show for it?!

I can't believe I'm starting the new year the way this year began...unemployed! Actually, I would love God to speak to me as clearly as He spoke to Joshua, at least I'd know we're still somehow connected!

Do I feel secure in God?

2009-11-30T16:50:00.003Z

Since July of this year, I have been volunteering with Burton Youth for Christ. Initially I went in to help them do some research for a funding bid they were submitting. But my involvement has extended to doing face to face youth work, which I really love (even when the difficult kids get on your nerves)!

Every Monday, unless, there's some exception we have team meeting. It starts out with a time of worship, then we go through updates of the various projects, after which we do a discussion from the Bible.

At the moment, we're going through the Psalms of Ascents (Psalm 120 - 134). I've always found the discussions about the various Psalm encouraging. But this morning, I think because Chris and I had a bit of a rough weekend, I just found myself feeling completely overwhelmed and challenged by it.

The Psalm we discussed today was Psalm 125 which reads:

1 Those who trust in the LORD
Are like Mount Zion,
Which cannot be moved, but abides forever.
2 As the mountains surround Jerusalem,
So the LORD surrounds His people
From this time forth and forever.

3 For the scepter of wickedness shall not rest
On the land allotted to the righteous,
Lest the righteous reach out their hands to iniquity.

4 Do good, O LORD, to those who are good,
And to those who are upright in their hearts.

5 As for such as turn aside to their crooked ways,
The LORD shall lead them away
With the workers of iniquity.

Peace be upon Israel!

In the discussion it the question was posed: Do we feel secure God? Particularly when in the case of this same the Israelites were in a place that they didn't want to be. Do I trust God enough to take me through things when they're not going as they expected. And to be honest, it's been my greatest struggle since I finished my PhD. I wasn't expecting to be out of a job this long, and I am in an expected place, which has shook my trust and security in God. A lot of things have slipped because of me struggling (such as prayer and spending quality time with God looking at His word). Ironically, it is these activities that have made me feel rooted and anchored when I felt completely churned by the winds of life.

I don't know if I feel secure in God right now. It may sound selfish or a backward reasoning, but if I got a job then I'd know that He is actually seeing what I'm going through. Yet, if someone told me this was their situation, I would say 'Of course God is looking after you! He said He'd never leave you nor forsake you!' Then why can't receive that and put that way of thinking into practise?

Why isn't God doing anything about my situation? Why does He seem so silent? How long am I supposed to be in this wilderness?

I do want to be have the faith that Psalmist talks about. I want to have such security in God that nothing will shake me. But right now, I am finding it very difficult....

4 hours spin and my issue with PDA....

2009-11-21T16:43:00.002Z

My spin instructor, Marg is running the London Marathon next year. It takes minimum of 10 months to train for the marathon and at least 2 weeks to recover from doing this 26 mile run. I would love to have the energy and stamina that she has when I'm 50! So part of her fundraising was do a 4 hour spin in front one of our local supermarkets - Sainsbury's.

Now spin, for all those who are not in the know, is an aerobic exercise that takes place on a specially designed stationary bicycle called (obviously enough) a spinning bike. This is great and burns some serious calories 450 in about 45 mins! I'm addicted to it! I was up at 7am this morning to get picked up by my spin instructor at 8:30am. Helped her move the spin bikes from upstairs the gym, down the hill, across the pedestrian crossing, down another hill, across the car park and to the front of Sainsbury's.

Here comes my issue with PDA. My spin instructor I think from the way she talks about things went through a really rough time with her previous relationship. And I am glad that she has someone new in her life, funnily enough her running partner, who's also running with her in the London Marathon. Maybe I'm a bit of a Scrooge, but PDA does gross me out. I guess I feel uncomfortable because I don't know where to look. Do I just stare at you while you exchange passionate kisses and grope each other's butts?! I think there needs to be some kind of etiquette for those who are observers of PDA.

So we spun...spun? Yeah I think that's right for 4 hrs. 10am to 2pm to raise money for Children with Leukemia, the charity that my spin instructor is running for. And it was an amazing time. Great atmosphere. Good friends together. Singing along to our favourite tracks and making people feel very tired just looking at us! :o)

There are times though where I wish I took more opportunities to share my faith to people. My spin instructor knows I'm a Christian and another lady who spins with me knows that I go to church and that to a non-believer that is as good as having some kind of faith.

And the best surprise when I came home! Chris gave me the phone and said there's a message for you. I received a voicemail from my brother! Burnt bridges are slowly being rebuilt. It's taken us 17 years to get this far and I just know that God's take us all the way. He doesn't do things half-baked!

The Wilderness...

2009-11-15T12:17:00.004Z

I can't believe the last time that I posted a blog was in June of this year. I've been going through a very difficult time since I completed my PhD studies. It's been a real struggle to keep up with this blog, mainly because I haven't had the motivation to do it. Even though when I actually write something it's so therapeutic and I wonder why it took me so long.

You know you have this idea of what your life is going to look like. For me, when I finished my PhD I thought that all these doors of opportunities would open and I would go sailing into a well-paid job doing the research that I absolutely love. Hmmm...well it's been over a year since I submitted my thesis. December 2 will be a year since I had my viva and was awarded the title of Dr Julie-Ann Ricketts and nothing's happened yet. I thought it would be at least 2 months of job hunting, because hey, I've got a PhD and everyone should want me to work for them. Why would anyone want this talent go to waste!

I never expected this...this was not a part of the plan! And I went from elation of having completed my degree to crying hysterically and not wanting to wake up in the morning. I applied for job after job after job with no response or rejection letters. I began to wonder if doing my PhD was an absolute waste of money and time. Did I throw away 4 years of my life to sit at home?! Was this all it was supposed to amount to? And I found myself slipping into a world of uncertainty, which I found, and still find scary.

So now, I find myself wondering through the wilderness. God seems so silent at this time. I wish I could have flashing neon arrows in the sky pointing to the way I should go. Hey, I'd even appreciate a booming voice from heaven detailing the next steps I should take. But God's not choosing to speak to me in this way. I hope you'll walk with me as I describe my journey through this wilderness. It gets so lonely sometimes.

You can't be master over sin

2009-06-01T13:47:00.002Z

Yesterday Chris was preaching on Nehemiah 13, the last book of Nehemiah. And this phrase he said has stuck with me 'You can't be master over sin' and it's really got me thinking. I've been a Christian for about 13 years, and sometimes I don't realise the power of what Jesus did for me on the cross. The power of Him dying for my sins.

I realise there are two options in life - you can be free from sin through faith in Jesus Christ or in bondage to sin. And you definitely cannot be master over sin. I was born into a sinful nature and it's like the gravity pull I described in other blog, I want to do God's will. I want to live a life that's pleasing to God, completely submitted and obedient to Him. But I fall short. Romans 4: 23 says: All have sinned; all for short of the God's glorious standard. One way in which I fall short from God's glory is that I do not spend as much time with God as I should. Chris had half-term off last week and it was wonderful spending the week with him, but my time with God went on the backburner. Everyday I noticed that time slipped away from me. I didn't make enough of an effort to read His Word and talk to Him in prayer.

Yesterday, Chris insisted that as we had a few minutes before we had to go out that we spend some individual quiet time with God. I was so grateful to him for that, because I was really missing my time with God. My study was on Galatians 5 and it was so appropriate for the way I was feeling. In verses 19-21 it says:

When you follow the desires of your sinful nature,
your lives will produce these evil results:
sexual immorality, impure thoughts, eagerness for lustful pleasure,
idolatry, participation in demonic activities, hostility,
quarrelling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition,
divisions, the feeling that everyone is wrong except those in your own little group,
envy, drunkeness, wild parties, and other kinds of sin.
Let me tell you again, as I have before, that anyone living that sort of life
will not inherit the Kingdom of God.

I read that and it just took my breath away! I could tick at least six of the activities off that list. Some that I struggle with every day! Some every minute of the day! But then the passage continues in verses 22-24:

But when the Holy Spirit controls our lives,
He will produce this kind of fruit in us: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness,
goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.
Here there is no conflict with the law.
Those who belong to Christ Jesus have nailed the passions and desires
of their sinful nature to his cross and crucified them there.

And that was when my eyes were opened to the power of what Jesus did for me. Jill Briscoe puts it wonderfully "Even after we become believers, we still have that sin nature, and it declares war on the Holy Spirit. The reason for this conflict of interests between the old and new natures inside a Christian is that the old nature wants to go on being sinful and selfish, while the new nature of Christ, imparted by the Holy Spirit, wants to be just like Christ!"

Sometimes as a Christian, and I've fallen into this trap, you think that you're almost untouchable when it comes to sin and temptation. But if you do it in your own strength, you will fail. I have. It's only by the power of the Holy Spirit and being submissive and obedient to God's will that we can be more than a conqueror. Even with the war going on inside of us, we will win the ultimate battle! I continue to pray and ask God to help me live a life that's pleasing to Him. Yes, I mess up and gravitate towards my sinful nature, but my heart's desire, my ultimate goal is to live my life through the power of the Holy Spirit, that's the only way that sin won't be a master over me.

Do not fear...Don't be afraid

2009-05-18T14:06:00.002Z

At the moment, my quiet time is taking me through Scriptures relating to obedience to God. I've found it challenging, scary and exciting all at the same time.

Today, my studies took me to Ezekiel 2 where Ezekiel is called by God to bring a difficult message to the Israelites, who God describes as ' a nation that is rebelling against me'. And God encourages Ezekiel with these words (Ezekiel 2: 6-7):

Son of man, do not fear them.
Don't be afraid even though their threats are sharp as thorns and barbed like briers,
and they sting like scorpions.
Do not be dismayed by their dark scowls.
For remember, they are rebels!
You must give them my messages whether they listen or not.

But they won't listen, for they are completely rebellious!

This is one of the fears that I am asking God to help me overcome. I love God and I want the whole world to know how He loves them and sent Jesus to die for their sins. And He wants them to spend eternity with them in heaven. But I have to be honest, it scares me. It's a message people find difficult to hear, and as wonderful as it is, I find difficult to give. The reason for this is exactly what God told Ezekiel about...their threats, the hurtful words hurled back at you, the dark scowls!

I found this passage very encouraging because even though it's difficult, I'm not in it on my own.

So this is my prayer:

Lord, I thank you for these words that you spoke to Ezekiel.
Help me to be obedient to you, even when it's difficult
because you promise to strengthen me.
Help me to overcome my fear of people's angry looks or hurtful words
when I tell them about you.
And I ask you to help me say the right thing in the right way
at the right time to the right people.
Thank you for your unconditional love.

Amen.

Complete Submission

2009-05-17T13:35:00.002Z

Last night, Chris and I had 2 of our dearest friends over for dinner. Every time we meet up it we talk for hours and the time just flies by. When they left after almost 5 hrs of being with us (and to be honest it felt more like 2!) we commented that we hadn't had such uplifting conversation in a long time. We spoke about almost everything from the impact of watching certain shows and movies can have on a Christian to 'backsliders' to the role of the church today. Every conversation was drenched in Scripture.

One of the things that stuck with me about the conversations we had was the discussion of submission to God. And both of my bible readings (because I missed one yesterday) was about obedience - placing all our trust and reliance in God. The first study was taken from 2 Chronicles 14 , where King Asa begins his reign after his father King Abijah dies. One of the first things mentioned about King Asa was that under his reign 'there was peace in the land for ten years, for Asa did what was pleasing and good in the sight of the Lord his God' (2 Chr 14:2). Then Asa came under threat from Zerah whose army far outnumbered Asa's. But Asa cries out to God 'O Lord, no one but you can help the powerless agains the mighty! Help us, O Lord our God, for we trust in you alone. It is in your name that we have come against this vast horde. O Lord, you are our God; do not let mere men prevail against you!' (2 Chr 4:11). Jill Briscoe (whose study I am working through) comments that 'God interefered with his grace and gave Asa victory over his enemies'.

Unfortunately, Asa's obedience to God began to wane and 'he relied more on people than on God'. Even towards the end of his life he relied more on his physicians than on God (See 2 Chr 16).

The second study, which is the one that prompted this post, speaks of the 'Long Road of Obedience' and is taken from Jeremiah 2. Israel has once against turned against God and God sends Jeremiah to give Israel this message. The message compares how they once were, they loved God and was willing to please Him 'as a young bride' (Jer 2:2) but now they would rather exchange 'their glorious God for worthless idols!'

This made me question my own level of submission to God. Have I completely submitted to Him? Complete submission is what Adam & Eve struggled with in the Garden of Eden and to be honest, it's what I struggle with too. To hand my live over to God completely. Everything that I have and everything that I am. The things is, everything that I have and everything that I am comes from God. So, why do I find it so hard to give it back to Him? How can I call Jesus Lord of my life, if I find it hard to submit to His rules?

Chris phrased it well, by calling it 'a gravitational pull' towards sin. We feel ourselves being pulled towards our sinful nature, when what we want to do is to be free to go towards God. My prayer to God is to make me free to do this, through the power of the Holy Spirit. I want to live for God. I don't want to be controlled by my sinful nature! I want to be under the authority of a God who loves me perfectly!

Is submission borne out of obedience? Or obedience borne out of submission?

So I pray this prayer:

I ask God to heal my wayward heart (Jer 3:22)
and I confess to Him that disobedience is a sin not just a shortcoming (Jer 3:25)
Help me along the long road of obedience.
I know you'll be with me every step of the way.

Amen

Acts 29

2009-05-14T09:16:00.002Z

Earlier this year I went to a New Wine's Women's Conference in Harrogate and the lady speaking asked us to turn to Acts 29 because she wanted to share something with us. As the pages rustled throughout the auditorium, searching through our Bibles, after a minute or so a wave of chuckling and laughing swept through the thousands of women who were there. There is no Acts 29!! And the presenter then proclaimed that we are Acts 29!

Chris encouraged me to read the book of Acts as I go through this difficult time. And I must admit, it is so encouraging and challenging to read. When I was reading Acts 3 these thoughts came to me:

After the lame man was healed by the Beautiful Gate and people saw that it was Peter and John who were involved. Peter saw it as an opportunity to address the crowd. And he told them about Jesus and how they can be saved and have a relationship for eternity with Him! And this really challenged me. I continue to pray to God for boldness and that I will always be ready to speak of Jesus. That I will not miss and opportunity because of fear of embarrassment. But this boldness can only come from God.

When I was telling this to Chris he asked me a question that has stuck with me ever since -'What will silence me?'

When Peter and the apostles were arrested and brought before the Sanhedrin because they were preaching about Jesus. The response was "We must obey God rather than human authority..." And Peter goes on to preach about the very thing they were arrested for! (see Acts 5).

Their boldness! Their assurance of faith! It's amazing! I want it! I crave it!

So I prayed for it. And God told me I have to be in it for the long haul - good or bad.

The disciples were arrested, whipped and most eventually killed for proclaiming the name of Jesus. Yet people lined up in the streets hoping that Peter's shadow, his shadow, would fall on them so that they can be healed. But the apostles were 100% committed to following and trusting God. Their faith did not waiver. They weren't in it to be liked. They were in to proclaim the truth so that "people could turn from their sins and turn to God so their sins would be forgiven".

What will silence me?

I shall yet....

2009-04-22T14:26:00.003Z

I've been offline with this blog for so long, I don't know if anyone reads it any more...though I know that there has been some interest peaking...so who knows I may regain an audience.

It's been a strange year, a lot has happened. Chris and I celebrated our anniversary on April 6 a When we got married, I was still doing my PhD, a concern to some as they thought that it would mean I would drop out of the programme. On December 2, 2008 I passed my viva voce and was awarded the title Dr. Julie-Ann Ricketts. Chris left his job at Currys as a Sales Assistant and got a job at a high school near where we live as an ICT Technician. When we looked at his journey to get there, it was 18 months from when he got his qualification to getting a job in that field. And it was hard for him getting the call for interviews and being turned down for jobs that he knew that he could do.

I find myself in a similar position almost 5 months from getting my PhD. I never expected to be unable to find employment. Naively I thought, that as soon as you get a PhD a radar goes on and people want to hire you. Even though I got my degree in the midst of a recession, I thought it was good enough to be above the rest. I mean, hey, the rest of my colleagues walked into jobs after they finished, why should I be any different! But I always was. Life was always more uncomfortable than theirs. They got the financial assistance and support they needed for their degree. It was always a sacrifice for me and I always wondered what God was doing! Why should those that don't love you - that don't even believe in you, get what your child wants!

It was a lesson in trusting God. In putting my entire life in His hands. Sometimes, I wonder why I think that I can control my life! When I became a Christian, I sang the song 'I surrender all'. It stated my complete submission to an all-powerful, all-knowing God, ever-present, who loves me with a complete perfect love. Yet, I still find it difficult to trust Him. What will stop my disbelief?

Going through a challenging time , for me, makes me wallow in self-pity. Why me? Where do I go from here? What do I do now? I don't feel like being around Christians. I don't want to be prayed for. I feel that people pity me because of my situation as you seem to get these 'poor you' looks in their eyes when I talk about what's been going on. On the other hand, as Chris and so many of my Christian friends have told me, this is a test and God's strengthening my faith, though I don't feel very strong as I go through it.

I was talking to a friend yesterday and I realised that I resented God for placing me where I am. I don't think I hated God, but I thought He was being unfair to me and I deserved to be treated better! I mean after all - I am His child! Looking through the Bible makes you see your reflection, particularly your spiritual reflection. Looking at the lives of these stalwarts of faith: Abraham, Moses, Noah, David. The prophets. Jesus, the Christ, the Messiah and God's only begotten son and what they went through, especially how their faith was tested - what gives me the right to think that I should be exempt.

One lesson that God is teaching me is to praise Him, worship Him, love Him, not because of what He can do for me, but because of who He is! Psalm 43 speaks to me when David cries out to God:

Vindicate me, O God, and plead my cause against an ungoldy nation;
Oh deliver me from the deceitful and unjust man!
For You are the God of my strength;
Why do you cast me off?
Why do I go mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?

Oh send out Your light and Your truth!
Let them lead me;
Let them bring me to Your holy hill
And to Your tabernacle.

Then I will go to the altar of God
To God my exceeding joy;
And on the harp I will praise You,
O God, my God!

And the verses that really speak to me:

Why are you cast down, O my soul?
And why are you disquieted within me?
Hope in God;
For I shall yet praise Him
The help of my countenance and my God.

My bible reading during my quiet time was from Leviticus 7:11-21. Talking about giving offerings to God and how being thankful is an offering. I don't have to feel thankful, I am thankful! I will praise God even if I don't feel like praising God. Because there is nothing that I go through that should exempt me from giving the Creator of the Universe and the Saviour of my soul the praise He rightly deserves!

Jesus be a fence...

2008-06-06T13:59:00.002Z

Yesterday, Chris and I celebrated our 2 month wedding anniversary. It seems so small a celebration in the shadow of those who have been married for many more years! I know 2 couples who recently celebrated their 50th and 59th wedding anniversaries. It was a low-key celebration. We had leftovers for dinner. Chris watched some ice hockey. I was just doing odds and ends around the house, and thinking about what to write in this blog.

The title for the blog comes from one of my favourite gospel songs. I remember when news about my engagement slowly spread amongst my friends. One of them said to me, pray for your wedding and your marriage. Pray for God to protect you both and your relationship, because Satan does not like two Christians being joined in Holy Matrimony. It means trouble for him. Well, Satan began attacking our marriage before we even got married!

The relationship between my landlady and I was becoming more and more tense. Somehow, I was doing more things that got on her nerves, and vice-versa. I didn't like coming home. In fact, when I was out with Chris I'd try to get home at a time when I know she'd be gone to bed. It didn't always work out that way. And then a couple of weeks before the wedding, an incident of complete misunderstanding happened at church, which has left both myself and Chris extremely hurt. One of my friends often says that Satan is the Prince of the air. That means that at times when we speak, he grabs it, twists it around and passes it on to the other person in a way that will cause tension and upset. I won't go into the details of what happened at our church. It's too upsetting. But let's just say that I pray no one, not matter what church they're in, are ever spoken to the way that Chris and I were. It has left such a deep wound on our hearts and spirits. We entered our marriage hurt and broken people. We still can't even look at the person that hurt us, because the memories just come flooding back and it's too painful.

So I ask...Jesus be a fence...

And like I said in my last blog, it hasn't been easy. We've had our fair share arguments over the past 8 weeks. Sometimes it was everyday! There were times we'll be trying to explain ourselves to each other about how we were feeling and it would be like we were talking different languages. We just couldn't understand each other!

Satan is the Prince of the air...

It is a daily learning process. And I see God trying to weed out of me so many unhealthy habits. I've started listening again online to 'Telling the Truth' with Stuart, Jill and Pete Briscoe. Pete Briscoe was talking about the problems with marriage in one of his podcasts. He said that there are four main problems with marriage:

selfishness
self-preservation
strife
separation

Pride is one stubborn weed that God's trying to get out. I don't want to accept when I'm wrong. I don't want to say I'm sorry. I want to preserve my ego and make sure that my needs are met, sometimes at the expense of the happiness of my spouse. Can you see the selfishness?! That has happened in our relationship, and until God gets that weed out, it will continue to happen. But part of killing the root, is accepting that it's there. And I continue to ask God for His grace and mercy. So I pray and cry out...

Jesus be a fence all around me everyday. Jesus I want you to protect me as I travel along the way...This is my prayer Lord ,that I pray each and every day, that you would guide my footsteps lest I stumble and stray...In my hour of weakness, that old enemy tries to steal my soul. But when he comes like a flood to surround me, my God will step in and a standard He'll raise! Oh Lord be a fence all around me everyday!

This cannot be done in my own strength. This marriage cannot survive on our own strength. And so we ask God to draw us closer to Him, so that we can draw closer to each other. And I imagine the strongest fence ever built surrounding myself and Chris and we continue on this journey.

God's Confetti

2008-05-12T20:34:00.006Z

This blog entry has been a month in the making! It has been so hard, as I've frequently mentioned, not having internet connection! You just feel detached from the world. Especially with my family being overseas, I feel like I'm in the dark with what's happening in their lives.

Well, a lot's happened since I last checked in. I'm now Mrs Julie-Ann Ricketts. Chris and I got married on April 6. It was an amazing day! Even though most of my family and friends couldn't make it for the celebration, I was blessed to have my Mommy and Daddy and my best friend Anika there! It was such a special day. I woke up to see the ground completely covered with snow. The heaviest snowfall we had since that year. It looked like a winter wonderland!

That was photo was taken just after the ceremony when we signed the register.

I wasn't nervous at all about getting married. I think because I had Mommy, Daddy and Anika to worry about, so I was distracted. As well as doing last minute things for the wedding. The moment I got nervous was when I arrived at the church and I realised that it was actually happening. It wasn't the wedding rehearsal - this was it. I felt my legs turn to jelly. I honestly that it was God's hand gently nudging up that aisle, that was not from human strength! I stopped being nervous after the Bible reading and I knew that was God in complete control. The marriage ceremony happened with very few hitches. I didn't cry or worse laugh when saying my vows.

After the wedding ceremony, Chris and I were outside the church taking photos. People wanted to throw confetti at us - no one had any. Then...it began to snow....heavily! It's not supposed to snow in April! And here I had a winter wonderland in the morning and now snow in the afternoon. The weather forecast heavy rain...not a drop fell! One of my family members said that it was God's confetti and He was blessing our marriage! It was such a wonderful way to see it!

We've been married for over a month. And I say to people marriage is a lot of what I expected and a lot more of what I didn't. I'm trying to take the surprises in stride with the help of God. But it's a wonderful journey and I'm so glad that God wanted me to be on this path.

Not much to report otherwise. Just popping my head to say hi! If you want to look at the wedding photos, we have a link to it online: http://www.photobox.co.uk/album/47446990.

Enjoy and God bless

X X X

God is a Miracle Working God

2008-03-05T17:44:00.001Z

It’s been a while since I’ve checked in and let you know what has been happening. In February Chris and I went to a Preparation for Marriage Course at Waverley Abbey, Farnham – the headquarters for CWR. It was a very emotional weekend, where we faced with issues that we didn’t realise needed to be addressed. But it was worth it, because we have come out stronger because of it and our relationship has definitely benefited. In my life, I have finished writing my thesis. I am now reconstructing my conclusion as my supervisors said that it needed to be more coherent and ‘robust’. That has been almost as painful as writing the thesis itself! But I am proud to say that I have surpassed my 80,000 word limit and still have lots more to write. I have also been doing intervals of editing, but my lead supervisor suggested that I make editing a separate task and concentrate on the conclusion.

I also applied for a job as a clerical assistant at the University of Derby. I didn’t get the post, and even though it wasn’t going to pay me a lot – but it was money that Chris and I both need as we start our married life together. We’ve also been house hunting. That was an exhausting ordeal. We decided to take on the task in a week and booked as many viewings as possible. First miracle: It was the week that Chris’ mom was on half-term so she could come with us to the viewings. The first place that we booked the viewing for, I thought was perfect for us. It was in the middle of town. It was walking distance to the shops, good cycling distance to the station as I would probably have to commute to work. Perfect huh? The place had no windows! Even prisons have windows! The only lighting it had was 2 skylights about 6ft above that we would have to use a stick to open. So that was written off. Disappointed, but I would be more disappointed having to pay rent in a place like that. In the house hunting week, we viewed 10 properties between us. Chris found a house online that he said he fell in love with the moment he looked at the pictures. We were booked in to view it the next day and when we pulled up to it, Chris, I and his parents all fell in love with it. It was a one bedroom detached cottage, with an iron-cast spiral staircase going up to the mezzanine bedroom.

When we left the place to look at the other properties, it was as if we left our hearts there. We both wanted that house, because we could see ourselves living there. Second miracle: no one else booked into the view the house that week. So we decided to put in an application for it. Third miracle: the estate agent who handled our case was wonderful – he really wanted us to have it, so he did everything in his power to ensure that our case was strong enough so that the landlord would think we were worthwhile tenants. Then we had to meet the landlord, who had the final say on whether we lived there or not. The estate agent said to us that the meeting with the landlord would last no more than 10 minutes, because he never knows what to say to the prospective tenants. The meeting lasted about 50 minutes. Why? Fourth miracle: Because they were Christians and they knew people that we knew. It was as if we were talking to friends. We got into talking about family life and what Chris and my future plans were. It was amazing!

On top of it all, this would not have been possible if Chris’ parents had not offered us 6 months rent as our wedding present. In addition to this, the rent was on the lower end of our budget. God knew where He wanted us to live. We had been trying for a couple months now to view houses and nothing would happen. A door always seemed to be slammed in our face. It just never happened. I believe that is one of the ways God was guiding us to this place. As soon as we stepped into it, we felt like it was home. Throughout this journey, I can see God’s handle gently guiding us, nudging us in the right direction. Getting this house was a miracle, because we serve a miracle working God.

Well, we didn’t get the house…

2008-01-03T09:44:00.000Z

We didn’t get the house that we wanted for Christmas. In fact, we found one that we thought was perfect and were planning to pay down a deposit on it this month. It was a 2 minute walk from my church. It would be opposite my future sister-in-law. We’d have friends within a 3 mile radius. And we knew the lady that used to live in it, she’s a Christian doing missionary work overseas. It seemed too good to be true. And it was because a Polish couple moved into 3 days before Christmas. I was heartbroken. I just sat down and sobbed in church when I found out. God guide us by saying yes, no and wait. This was very vocal ‘no’ from God, as it felt the door was slammed shut on that option. So what? Where do we go from here? We continue along the same route of trusting God to lead us to the place He wants us to be.

There are times when things go wrong, and life isn’t working out the way that I expected (as they are now), that I want to be angry with God. I must admit it, these past few months have shook the foundations of my faith. But I have to remember that these difficult times are not going unnoticed by God. Yes, He is allowing these things to happen to me and Chris. But it is not because He is unloving and uncaring God. I have to remind myself that God is there with His arms outstretched, wanting to hold my hand and take me through this difficult times. Oh, how I wish I could go around it, or that God could just put me in His hands and take me in His hands and lift me over it. But this is not how faith is built, and it is definitely not walking in faith!

I am excited about 2008. It will not end the way that it started. Chris and I will be married and I’ll have my PhD. I pray that God blesses us both with good jobs and a roof over our heads – so we can stop putting items into our ‘invisible house’. I always have great expectations of what the year will bring. I guess I do because of the God that I serve.

When I reflect on 2007, it was a year filled with its disappointments and excitements as with any other year. But what I have noticed is that I have changed. Even though I’m being buffeted by the waves of uncertainty, I have to hold on to the fact that God has a plan and a future for us and He’s not going to leave us to do this on our own.

HAPPY NEW YEAR! MAY GOD BLESS YOU AND KEEP YOU THROUGHOUT!

God Cannot Lie

2007-12-19T15:57:00.000Z

Every time December rolls round you hear people say with shock, ‘I can’t believe is December already! Where has the year gone?!’ The year has gone at the same pace as it has every year – one day at a time. But, it still doesn’t stop me from being shocked that next year is 2008 and that I will be married and Dr Pencle/Ricketts by the time December 2008 comes round. Looking back over the past 12 months, it seems to me, that life hasn’t worked out the way I envisioned it. I’ve battled with feelings of failure and non-achievement because I did not submit my thesis on time, which was worsened because my cousin who started after me has now finished before me. And this spirit of worthlessness and mediocrity descends on me. It is so heavy, and I feel my shoulders hunch forward because of the weight. I feel that I have let my mom down and she has to be in Jamaica fending off the vultures who are bemused and ask ‘What is taking me so long?!’ I’m still working my way through Martin Luther’s writings in the devotional Faith Alone. This was a recent entry, which inspired the contents of this month’s blog:

[God] requires us to trust His words and His promises even when the opposite of those promises is happening to us…We should believe God when he promises to love and protect us, take care of us, and listen to us, even though we might not see it happening…We must learn to depend on the visible Word of our invisible and incredible God. Because God doesn’t lie or deceive us, we wait with confidence and patience for him to fulfil His promise.

We’ve been praying for months for Chris to get a permanent job. We’ve been praying for me to finish my thesis on time. Finishing my thesis on time hasn’t happened. Chris has had several interviews and not found a permanent job. And I wonder to myself what is going on?! Why aren’t things working out?! And this oppression comes on you, because you feel that you have to sort it out! You have to do this on your own. And that’s a lie, because any house that is built without Lord will crumble. Any plan made outside of God’s will fail. And neither Chris nor I want to be outside of God’s will. So I ask Him to silence the voices of doubt, the voices that tell me I’m a failure and good for nothing; that I am a disappointment to my mom. And I ask God to help me focus on the truth. God is faithful. He has a plan to prosper me and give me a future. That He cannot deny Himself. I hold on to His promises. I look at who I am in Him – a child of God, and not in anyone else eyes. He is my Heavenly Father, who wants to bless me immensely. This means there is no room for feelings of failure or lack of self-worth. God has greater things in store for me.

All We Want for Christmas...

2007-11-30T13:21:00.000Z

….is a house. Time is creeping up on our wedding and people are asking us what we want for our Christmas presents; whether we would want stuff for our house or personal items. Yes, we have a wedding registry with household items on, like kitchen appliances, crockery etc. But what’s the use of having all the stuff, if you don’t have a house to put it in!

Chris has changed jobs. He’s doing seasonal work at Curry’s a store similar to Best Buy in the States. It makes a welcomed changed from being a newspaper delivery person, working 6 days a week regardless of the weather. But it’s not how he wants to utilise his IT skills for the long term. He went for a job interview recently for an IT technician post in a call centre. He didn’t think he did very well. He has struggled with sleeping well for years and he was not in top form when he went there. He stopped by after the interview, and it was lowest that I’ve seen him for a while.

Chris and I want to live our lives by faith - not by whom we know, but who we serve – God Almighty. But, to tell you the truth, it is hard. His frustration is that employers aren’t prepared to give you a chance, even though you can demonstrate all the skills that they want…and then some, without a degree paper. Chris has his qualifications, and he is very good at IT, but because of having OCD, he couldn’t go to a university to get a degree after A-levels. He was just too sick to do it. I feel helpless in the whole situation, because, I want to be able to help him in some way. Sometimes I don’t even know how to pray. We’re not sure what God is doing with us at the moment. We definitely, feel like we’re going through refiner’s fire, I tell you that much. There are times when I want to blame someone for the situation that we’re in. But who do I blame? God? I wouldn’t dare. The employers of Britain? Would love to, but I’m not sure how useful that it would be. The fact is I can’t blame anybody. And blaming doesn’t help the situation anyway!

Prayer changes things. That was the motto of my late pastor Revd Cleve Grant. And I have to believe in the power of prayer, because there is nothing else more that I can do. I wish I could pluck the job out of the air and hand it to Chris. I wish we could have £100,000 to pay for a house or £6000 to take care of our first year’s rent! I wish that I could answer people with a definite answer of where we’re going to live – but I can’t. All I can do is hold on to the promise that God is faithful. That He will bring us through it and oh, what a testimony it will be! Someone told me recently that when you live by faith, you have to lower your expectations. I chuckled and agreed with the statement. But now that I think about it, when you live by faith in a God that created the universe and owns everything in it, you should the highest expectations! I should expect £160,000 to pay for the house that we want up front, with no mortgage. I should expect Chris getting a good job. I should expect that I get a good job. I should expect that all our provisions should be met. Because I serve a powerful and living God, who wants to be bless me and Chris until we’re saturated by it! So, I reject that statement and hold on to the fact that when I walk in faith I expect great things to happen – but it is all in the will of God. If God doesn’t want me to have it, I don’t want to get it. So yes, all we want for Christmas is a house….the house that God wants for us.

Troubled Waters

2007-09-29T10:31:00.000Z

I am continuing my journey in FAITH ALONE a daily devotional based on the writings of Martin Luther. Walking in faith is not easy and it tests your endurance when things do not go according to the way you envisaged. Earlier this month I celebrated my engagement to Chris. His parents even placed an announcement in the local paper, so we got our 5 seconds of fame! We’ve been juggling wedding plans, with Chris looking for jobs and our regular commitments to our church. Chris had two interviews, one before we got engaged and one after. We were so certain that he would have gotten the job for the second interview. We saw how convenient it would be (he wouldn’t have to commute), the pay was reasonable for an entry level position and it would be great timing, as that would be one more thing to cross of the list of things to do. He didn’t get the job and it was such a crushing blow to all of us, Chris, me and his parents. You could almost see the rain cloud hovering over us for the rest of the day. When I spoke to Chris, I just broke down and cried. I tried to comfort myself with words such as ‘if it was God’s will he would have gotten it’; ‘God will supply all our need according to His riches in glory’; ‘I have a plan for you, says the Lord…to give you a hope and a future’. But emotionally I was broken. I screamed out to God ‘What is the plan?!’ ‘What are we supposed to do?!’

Then in my daily devotional a couple days after this happened, this was the title of it ‘WHEN WE FEEL FORGOTTEN’. Yep! That was exactly how I was feeling. Almost that God had forgotten that we’re getting married next year and we really need this job situation sorted out. The commentary was based on the passage when Joseph felt he was forgotten by the cupbearer and he struggled with the temptation of becoming impatient and complaining. Martin Luther says that the times when we feel like this, are the times when we should let the praise of God be on our lips “I will extol the Lord at all times; his praise will always be on my lips” (Psalm 34:1). By doing this ‘temptation, sadness and unbelief disappear’. It also at these times when there are troubled waters that Satan loves to go fishing and bring up all those feelings of uncertainty about your faith. Did God really say that He will do this for you? Should really be getting married this soon? Maybe you should postpone the wedding to give Chris some more time to find a job? And you begin to doubt the instructions that God gave you, which is to be persevere in faith and believe in His Word. We know that God gave us April 6 2008 as our wedding date – it’s a date of faith. If we back out of it now, what does that say about our faith? When I was really low, I heard God say to me ‘How much do you trust me? I gave you more than you imagined towards this wedding, will you trust me all the way through?’ And the answer is yes! You never know where you’re going to go when you decide to walk in faith, but you can trust the guide, He’s seen eternity.

I still pray for God to open doors for Chris and help him to find favour when he goes for interviews. He has interview on Oct 1, we’ll see if this is the job God wants for him….

The righteous shall live by their faith

2007-09-09T15:27:00.000Z

I haven't been in touch for a while because of the pressures of work. I am still in the gruelling task of redrafting my thesis, which has been more time consuming than I could have every had imagined. It's a constant uphill struggle but I am going to get there!

The last time I made an entry, Chris and I were going through a difficult time at church and we were uncertain about our future there. But thanks be to God the situation is a lot better than it was. Relationships have not completely been restored to the way they were, but there has been a dramatic improvement. Personally, my spiritual life has been going through a time where I have to be making leaps of faith in all that I do. Chris lent me a devotion book based on sermons and writings by Martin Luther called 'FAITH ALONE'. It's a simple book. Each day has a scripture verse and a paragraph based on Martin Luther's teaching. But it has transformed the way that I think and especially the way that I perceive God's word and God Himself. I see the Bible so much more as the Word of God. And since God, who in His nature is true and cannot deny Himself, then His word must be true. For instance, Chris is currently looking for a job and it has been hard going with interviews and not getting offered the post. But I know Chris has to be given a job, because he needs one. In the book of Philippians it is said that God will provide all your need according to His riches in glory. Therefore Chris has to get a job!

There are other times when you have to make those steps of faith because you know that is something that God says you should do - so you do it! Chris and I want to get married next year. Neither of us have a job, but we know that this is what God wants of us. We were planning the wedding for months: checking out details for reception venues, florists, wedding favours, cake prices - the whole lot. And we decided that we wanted the wedding in April. So we declared the date in faith April 6 2008. Chris' mom suggested that we postpone it because neither of us had a job, but we weren't happy with that. It didn't seem to be a declaration of faith but accepting defeat. So we continued making our plans with the belief that the righteous shall live by their faith and this is the way that we wanted to live.

Then on September 5, Chris asked me to marry him. Of course I said yes! And we prayed that God would honour our faith....and He did! And this is how...

Today we decided to bite the bullet and tell Chris' parents that we were getting married. I was physically ill thinking about their reaction. They are not usually the most encouraging - like I said it was suggested by his mom that we postpone the wedding until we were financially secure. So with bated breath, we waited for their reaction. Chris' dad just started laughing, and asked are you serious? We nodded yes. And then he just came out with words we never would have expected - CONGRATULATIONS! We gave a shocked response of thank you. Then there were the questions: where, when, where are you going to live, etc. After I gave my well researched answers, he said 'Let's backtrack a second, whose paying for this? How is this being funded?' I felt my stomach turning again and I thought 'Here's the bombshell'. Chris responded honestly ' I don't know. We've just been gathering information'. Then a miracle happened, Chris' dad offered to pay for the entire wedding! I just kept on thinking and praising in my heart, 'God you're good. God you're so good!' My God is a God who honours His word. He cannot lie. He cannot deny Himself. And I wanted a testimony out of this. I wanted our wedding preparations, the ceremony, our lives to be a testimony of God's goodness and that He does supply all that we need according to His riches in glory.

Therefore, the righteous shall live by their faith (Habakkuk 2:4) - it's an exciting path to choose.

Think on these things...

2007-06-30T15:52:00.000Z

On June 1 Chris said to me things will be a lot different at the end of the month. I’m not sure he realised how prophetic his words were. The main change that I was expecting was that he would have completed his Comptia A+ computer course and would now be a qualified IT Technician. Thanks be to God Chris achieved his qualification on June 21^stwhen he passed his exam! He’s now continuing his job hunting process and we believe God will open a door for him.

I am now in the process of doing the second draft of my thesis in its entirety, which is a lot more difficult that I expected. It’s trying to figure out what fits and what doesn’t and also trying to carry a single train of thought through over 80,000 words! I struggle to carry a single train of thought in general conversation! But God works miracles, and the fact that I am in the process of completing this PhD is a miracle in itself! But that’s another story…

This month my struggle has been with relationships. I remember telling a friend that even though being a Christian isn’t the ‘easiest’ route to take in life – I really enjoy being one! And I’ll tell you what I told her – no matter how ‘good’ you think your life is…it can be an immeasurable amount better with Jesus Christ as your Lord and Saviour. One of the reasons, is especially when you go through struggles like I’ve shared in this blog, I know that I am not alone in it. I don’t have to sort it out on my own. I have God, Jesus and Holy Spirit with me to help me through it. God gave His word in the Bible to help us through difficult times. II Timothy 3:16-17 says:

Every Scripture is God-breathed (given by inspiration)
and profitable for instruction, for reproof and conviction of sin,
for correction of error and discipline in obedience, [and]
for training in righteousness (in holy living, in conformity to God’s will
in thought, purpose, and action)
So that the man of God may be complete and proficient,
well fitted and thoroughly equipped for every good work.

[Amplified Bible]

I could write a lot on those two verses, they are so powerful and have always encouraged me when people say that the Bible cannot possibly be true. God cannot lie – that is not in His nature, and since He inspired the writing of the Scripture, it also cannot be a lie. Coming back to what I said earlier, my struggle this month has been relationships and I am sure you have had the experience when someone close to you (or not so close to you) has said something that deeply hurt you and you’re utterly confused as to the reason you got that response. And the words that hurt the most are the ones that come from the people you love.

Death and life are in the power of the tongue, says Proverbs 18:21 [Amplified Bible], and they who indulge in it shall eat the fruit of it [for death or life]. We were talking recently in our last ‘cell meeting’ at Church about how powerful the tongue is and very rarely do we remember the good things people say to us, but you’ll remember most of the bad things people have said to you, even as far back as your 2^nd grade teacher! But when these things happen and people say things that hurt you, as I have been struggling with, this Scripture verse has been so powerful in helping me, so much so, that I made an effort to memorise it [not from the Amplified Bible version though :o)]. It’s from Philippians 4:8, Paul writes to the church in Philippi:

And now, dear brothers and sisters,
let me say one more thing as I close this letter.
Fix your thoughts on what is true and honourable and right.
Think about things that are pure and lovely and admirable.
Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.

Whatever has been said about you, or if you’re thinking about saying something about someone else, ask yourself if its true, honourable, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent and worthy of praise. If you cannot honestly answer yes to any of these, then you shouldn’t be thinking about it. It’s something that I try to put into practice myself, I’m not always successful, but I ask God to give me the strength to do it. Because I don’t want to say something to someone (or have someone say something to me) that isn’t any of these things.

So, think on these things…

Rejoice in the Lord always!

2007-05-31T08:06:00.000Z

Well, I’ve decided that since I do not have regular access to the internet (*sniff*), I have resigned myself to do a monthly update of what’s been happening in the ‘Styx’ of Staffordshire. Well, for all those who are logging from Immanuel’s Church website, I hope it will be a worthwhile read. This month was another weepy month at times. When you think of all that you have to do, for instance finishing a 100,000 word thesis, thinking about looking for jobs, and just the future in general…it is overwhelming and you just break down and cry. I don’t remember when it was, but Chris just came over to visit me and I ended up crying on his shoulder for about an hour – well… shoulders as the first one got quite damp. You’re in this tunnel and you know that somehow you have to get to the end of it, but you don’t know how far you are until you exit it. The light looks so faint and distant at the end, but you can’t turn back because you’ve gone so far. And to be honest, sometimes the words are not in my head for prayer. At the moment, I’ve doing Bible readings from the Cover to Cover series and my mind is on a million and one things. Ashamedly, it seems as if I’m just going through the motions of it all.

It’s been a tough month for Chris as well. God has continued to bless him with health and he’s still involved with delivering newspapers, but he’s now seeking to change that and enter the IT profession. He’s applied for several positions and there has been no response for most. I continue to pray for him to find favour with an employer so that he can move on. But it is very disheartening when you don’t see anyone responding to your job applications. The thing is I have to hold on the fact that God has promised a future, and we both know that it is not in delivering newspapers, and God wants to promote him. Walking in faith is an extremely difficult thing to do, but it’s the best path to take.

Philippians 4:4 (NKJV) says, Rejoice in the Lord always. Again I will say rejoice! Even in the difficult times when I don’t feel the impetus to pray, and when things seem that they’re not going the way I want to I need to reflect on what good has God done for me. And God has been very faithful to me, even when I am not faithful. My left knee has been giving me trouble on and off this month, but every time I have asked God to heal me, He has! Not instantly at times, but I will wake up one morning and realise that my knee isn’t hurting me. Just recently my stomach was painful with spasms and the ‘horrible unmentionables’. Chris asked if I wanted him to pray for God to heal me, I said yes. After Chris prayed, I didn’t feel particularly better, but I got this image during the brief moment of him praying of my stomach being healed. It is very difficult to put into words, I even tried drawing it for Chris and it didn’t come out the way it was in my head (probably because I’m not a very good artist!). But a few moments later, I realised that there was no longer any pain in my stomach! So God is good…all the time!

I want to share with you the miracle God blessed me with this month, which I testified about in Church on Pentecost Sunday. I have a bike, her name is Bessie and she’s quite an old bike. But we have a good time cycling to the train station and about town, etc. Now, Bessie’s a road bike, so she has two sets of brakes for each tyre – one set is horizontal under the handlebars, the other is on the outside of the handle bar. For over a month, the horizontal brakes for the back wheel weren’t working because the brake pads had worn down; and so it wasn’t touching the rim of the wheel. Fast forward a few weeks later, Chris has a dream that I’m riding on my bike on a cliff near the sea and whilst cycling I speed up going faster and faster until I reach the end of the cliff and fall to my death. Not the nicest dream I know. Being from Jamaica, I read a lot into dreams, but I didn’t really think much about this one when Chris shared it with me.

A couple weeks after this, he mentions in passing if I’m going to get my brake pads sorted. I said I couldn’t afford it and it will just have to go as it is. Anyhow, the next day, out of curiosity – but I now recognise it was the Holy Spirit leading me; I called a couple bike shops to find about the cost of replacing my brake pads. I went to the one with the better price and that I had more confidence in. The mechanic wasn’t sure he could fix it that day, but he said he would try to squeeze me in. I left my bike with him and he said to come back in 20 mins. When I returned, I saw he was still fixing my bike, so I asked him if I should give him some more time (not having a watch on, I thought I may have come back earlier than expected). He turned to me and said ‘You’re lucky to be alive!’ I was a bit shocked by his statement, because I never knew worn brake pads were that serious! But he continued, ‘Your cable just snapped in my hand! If you had been cycling when this happened, you would have been in serious trouble’. Just then I had a flashback to Chris dream of me going faster and faster on that cliff. If my brake cable had snapped when I was cycling, which I was planning to the next day, I’m not sure if I would have been able to stop myself without causing some serious damage.

This is a miracle of timing and how God can sometimes use dreams to warn us of things to come. It’s not a coincidence! God used the Holy Spirit to nudge me to go and get my brake pads checked out. God also gave Chris that dream that he shared with me. Miracles still happen. I’m not sure if I would be in any condition to even type this or function in the way that I am used to if I had ignored the inclination to call the cycle shop. So, God is good. Miracles still happen today. And there’s no better place to be than in the hands of God!

Update

2007-04-29T14:52:00.000Z

It is really hard keeping a blog up to date when you don't have internet. I am still adjusting to that and it's been almost a year since I moved to Staffordshire. A lot has happened, as it would in 3 months! So here's a summary of what's been going on so far...

FEBRUARY:
This was one of my worst months in a while. I was at my lowest spiritually and emotionally. I hated doing my PhD. I hated being in a relationship because I felt dissatisfied with it. Everybody's grass looked greener. Mine was withering away in what I felt was an unseasonable drought. All I can remember is weeks of crying, and just feeling empty. I didn't want to go to church. I didn't want to be around any Christians, all in all it left me emotionally exhausted.

Chris kept on saying that it was because of the demands of my degree. The road towards the end of your PhD is often bumpy and lonely and his suggestion was that it was a repercussion of that. I wasn't convinced, but it put a name to part of the problem. It all came to an explosive end when Chris and I had our biggest argument in a while and it looked that we were going to break up. I spoke to God from somewhere inside me. I know that I wasn't promised tomorrow. But if He blessed me with that I wanted Him to show me how to fix what was going on inside me. And He did! Because God answers prayers!

MARCH:
This was a month of growth. God continued to heal me from the battering that I went through the month before. But it was also a month of challenges. First of all, it was the breast cancer scare. I found a lump in my right breast and I my doctor found another in my right and one in my left breast. So 3 lumps...great! She said there was the possibility that it could be breast cancer, so she chose to be safe than sorry and referred me to the Breast Cancer Unit. I could not do any work for the 7 days until my visit. You pray about it and you leave it in God's hands. And then you mentally prepare yourself for the worst. You think about how you have to adjust your life in case you do have this illness. Chris was supportive all the way through and even came with me to the appointment. It was a tedious 2hrs. I had to have an initial check up with the consultant, who said that my lumps could be an indication of cystic fibrosis. Which in a way was good news, because he said that the lumps would be benign, and it would only take a simple operation to get rid of them. By the end of the 2hrs when I went to have an ultrasound to determine the exact size of the lumps - they had shrunk! All that remained was a little lump that was about the size of a pea! The doctor doing the ultrasound said that it was nothing to worry about and that it looked like a bit of fatty tissue. I wanted to tell her that's what is it now, but that wasn't what it was about an hour ago! God is good and He answers prayers. Miracles still happen, because that was a miracle!

APRIL:
April was a month where God continued to amaze me, and I was amazed myself with what was happening in my life. The most exciting thing was that for the first time in 6 years - I danced! It was absolutely amazing! Immanuel has a meeting ever 2 weeks called 'Open to the Spirit' and everyone one of us who was there felt the amazing power of the Holy Spirit. The dance I did was an offering to God for healing my knee, which is what prevented me from dancing for so long. When I used to practice the dance, my knee would just buckle, it had lost all strength. But before I got up there I just felt this power inside me and I danced liked I never danced before for my God! It was also a month of sad news because it was the 15 year anniversary since my brother left our family home and he hasn't been back...not yet! I believe that he will return, because God is faithful to His promises. He promised many years ago that our family would be restored and I know that in His perfect timing, it will happen.

So in a nutshell, with a lot of details left out...if you can imagine it. Listen, God is faithful. He cannot lie to you, He cannot deny Himself. If you trust in Him and accept Jesus Christ as your personal Saviour, He will, through the power of the Holy Spirit, transform you. He will transform your mind and your relationships. He's awesome, and at my lowest point He reached me where Chris couldn't and He pulled me out. See what happens with you...

1John 4:4

2007-01-27T15:34:00.000Z

When I became a Christian, I found the Great Commission very overwhelming:

Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations,
baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit,
teaching them to observe all things that I have commanded you;
and, lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age.
Amen
Matthew 28: 19-20.

It seemed like such a huge task, almost impossible. How on earth am I supposed to do that? Doesn't God know who are the people I have to talk to? I was scared to share my faith with people. And to be honest, sometimes I still am. I have come up with people who are so angry with God, that when they hear that I am a Christian it releases this ravenous beast that wants to chew up and spit out the Word of God like it's stale gum. It's pointless. It's worthless. It's only for gullible people. I can't believe in a God that says homosexuality is wrong. I can't believe in a God....period. These are some of the responses I've gotten from people.

It can leave you disheartened and weary. And for a few years, I just gave up sharing my faith. People choose want they want to. God gave us free will, so who am I to shove this down their throats, when they obviously don't want it. But that's not what God called me to do. When I became a Christian, I told God that I would love Him with all my heart, with all my soul, with all my strength (Deuteronomy 6:5). And if I love Him, I will obey His commandments (John 14:15). And He commands me to go and make disciples! So how am I supposed to do that?!

I think (and to be honest, I still do a bit) find it daunting, because I think of me, on my own facing people. But that's not the truth, Jesus has promised to be with me always, even to the end of the age! Whenever I feel that the task Jesus has given is too much, I take comfort in the words from 1 John 4:4

...He who is in you is greater than he who is in the world

I asked Jesus to come into my heart, and being a Christian means that I am in Jesus and Jesus is in me. So I go in boldness of faith, knowing that it is not just me, but it is me with the armies of heaven and Jesus Christ in me, to go and tell them the truth. The truth that believing in Jesus Christ is the only way to Heaven. And by believing in Him, you have eternal life.

The harvest is great, but the workers are few...

Boldness of faith

2007-01-21T17:23:00.000Z

It has been a great few weeks being back in England. Believe me, I do miss the warm climate of Jamaica. The privilege of being able to wear slippers and sleeveless tops, and to be able to swim in the sea without putting yourself at risk of hypothermia. And I miss my family and not being able to see my very handsome nephews -for me home is where the heart is. But, God has been blessing me so much since I've been back.

I had a safe trip back. Both my suitcases turned up at Heathrow. I did have a little scare when I arrived in Miami where I was told (in Jamaica) to collect my bags and I didn't see them arrive for over 1 hour! But the people in the baggage collection were very helpful and one of them lead me to an Air Jamaica personnel, who put my concerns to rest when he said that my bags were checked through to Heathrow!

Chris and I are very close to an African church in East Croydon, London. It was the Pastor of the church, Louis Arku of Eagle Christian Ministries who told Chris that he was called to be a pastor. Whenever we attend their church we always go there with great expectation that God will do something! It's not that we don't get blessed in our church in Stapenhill (Immanuel Church), but there is something very special about Eagle Christian Ministries. Their motto is 'Proclaiming Jesus, Touching Lives' and that's exactly what they do. They proclaim the truth of the Bible (undiluted) and we never leave there the same. It'll be 5 years this year that we've been friends with them, and it's encouraging to note in ourselves (Chris and I) that we have changed and we have matured in our faith.

The main thing that I took from being there last week Sunday (14th January) was to be bold in my faith. To recognise that greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world. And because of that promise, to not be shy about sharing my faith to people, even though they may scoff at it. Jesus faced prosecution during His ministry. There are several accounts in the Bible when they threatened to stone Him for what He was saying. But He kept on going boldly with faith in His Heavenly Father until the end....

I've been meditating on this and God lead me to this Scripture passage - Jeremiah 17:7-8

...blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord,
whose confidence is in Him.
He will be like a tree planted by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes;
its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
and never fails to bear fruit.

I want to stand firm no matter what the year brings trusting and putting my confidence in Jesus Christ and my Heavenly Father, so that I will bear good fruit for the sake of the kingdom of God.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

2007-01-01T23:29:00.001Z

It's official I have to complete my PhD in 9 months!

I wasn't sure whether to make new year resolutions or not....but I did anyway. My main New Year resolution is to eat healthier and exercise more! Sounds a bit boring...and also like a cliche. My New Year prayer is the same as last year, reconciliation and restoration of my family. I pray that I'll be able to see my brother, his wife and his children and to have all of my family under one roof. For my Dad, I pray that he will become a new creature in Jesus Christ. It has been so difficult for my mom and myself with him moping around and throwing himself a pity-party. In a way, I'm scared because I don't want him to take it all out on Mommy once I'm gone. I know that I can't be around for her all the time, but I do feel guilty leaving her alone with the wrath of my father.

But what else can I do, but pray. I've tried talking to him. I've wrote him letters. I've prayed...but not with complete faith in my heart I guess. I've yet to fully understand the perseverance in prayer. Is it repeating a prayer all the time to God? Or is it having it consistently in your heart, even though you may not say it out loud? I do find prayer confusing at times. I feel that do it too casually...if that's a possibility. Why do I feel that I need to put on this 'air' when I pray that will make it more effective? I would love to see some of my prayers answered, the main prayer being Daddy's willingness to accept Jesus Christ as his Lord and Saviour. I think that event will have such a ricochet effect on all of our lives, that I may end up crying and shouting from the roof tops that God does answer prayer. And it's not to say that I haven't seen Him answer my prayers...I have. It's just that the situation between my parents has been going on for over 20 yrs. This year will make 15 years since my brother was in Jamaica! And I would love to hear his voice....I think I've forgotten what he sounds like!

But I pray to God for supernatural strength and to pray against procrastination so that I can push full steam ahead with writing up my dissertation. I feel scared...I am scared. But all things are possible when I put my trust in God. Nevertheless, I have to do my part. And this is where I need divine guidance for.

So, Happy New Year everyone. May God richly bless you in all that you do!

Lots of love

Julie

I survived my 10 year high school reunion

2006-12-31T08:03:00.000Z

Bwoy, I tell you. When I heard that Campion College was having a 10 year reunion the feelings of cynicism and apathy set in. High school is never usually the easiest time of any child's life and going to a school where there was an evident distinction of the 'in crowd' made it even more difficult. So, the thought of facing those people who ignored you, who laughed at you, who made your life at high school one that you suppress in the back of mind where most bad memories are stored was to say the least - frightening.

But as the picture shows you, I'm not dressing up for fun, this is proof that I survived my 10 year high school reunion and I was smiling at the end of it. To be honest, it was great seeing most people. Some people were still stand-offish, and that's their prerogative. But for the most part, I was able to hug and smile and be friendly with most of the people that were there. I must admit, I was bad with names and even worse with some faces - but I think I got around to meeting and greeting most of the persons there and remembering most of those who went to high school with me.

The best part was really seeing people and seeing how we've changed (and some of us haven't). And just seeing the strides that we've made in the 10 years since we left 5th form was encouraging. But the thing is that I am glad that I overcame the fear and went. I went through ups and downs of indecision and apathy. But like someone said - you only have a 10 yr reunion once! And I don't know want the next few years will bring. I don't know who will be around for the next reunion (if there is one). So I want to thank the reunion committee for taking the initiative to organise this event. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be - in fact it was one of the best nights I've spent out for a while. Even with the apathy and cynicism that it was met with when you spoke to people about attending - the turnout was good and the vibes was good. The cliques still formed, but hey over 100 people can't all be friends can they?

I don't know why I fly with Air Jamaica

2006-12-20T13:10:00.001Z

Coming home for the holidays, is supposed to be a joyous time of the year. You look forward to seeing your family (most of us do). I looked to forward to seeing my baby nephew. I took a longer journey home, because that's all that I could afford. So I came from London Heathrow to JFK airport and from JFK to Kingston. I flew with American Airlines from Heathrow to JFK, and that went smoothly. Though there were stingy with likkle wata, God bless dem - dem did give us food, even crackers and cheese as snack.

Got to JFK, got both my bags. Went to the American Airlines transit desk (as was suggested by the check-in agent at Heathrow) and asked them to send them to Air Jamaica. Well somewhere between Terminal 8 at the transit desk at Terminal 4 at the Air Jamaica check-in desk, my bags disappeared! Even though, the facety check-in agent at JFK declare seh she nah check mi in unless she know the weight of the bags. Somet'ing mi nevah know, but she declare mi mus' know! Anyhow, she eventually got the information she wanted and she gave my seat number.

Being Air Jamaica, of course it was delayed. I think its new slogan should be 'plummeting from new heights' but I guess that wouldn't fit the chirpy jingle that annoys when I get on the plane. Arrived in Kingston, the immigration lined had reached outside the immigration hall and was by the departure lounge! So that was over an hour, and it was every man fi himself. The security people just stare pon us so like them fool-fool. When to claim my bags, and just saw a pile of bags that the baggage handlers had taken off the carousel and placed on the floor. I searched through them, as best as I could, but it was just chaos. I couldn't find my bags. Waited there for over an hour and didn't see my bags. One of the baggage handlers guys said that no more bags from my flight were coming. So I had to join the ever increasing line at baggage services. For the all the years I've been travelling I never once have to join this line. And once again, the security people just look pon us fool-fool and it was every man for himself.

So the guy at the baggage services desk said that my bag should arrive in a day or 2. And that definitely, it should arrive by Christmas! Comforting huh? Anyhow, I just wanted to get my claims receipt, go home, have a shower and go to bed. I'd been up for over 20 hours, with less than 3 hrs sleep.

Anyhow, when I got home, I had this amazing peace about my bags. I was annoyed that Air Jamaica decided not to pack my allowed two pieces of luggage and pack other people's excess luggage. But I knew that God is in control and He would take care of things. Well, when 3 days came and Air Jamaica could not find anything - there was no record of my bags on their system. I admit, I was getting concerned. And I was sharing with my friend Kris that it is like you've lost a child and you just want to know where it is! My mom was praying, my boyfriend Chris was praying, Kris was praying. I was also praying, but sometimes the situation overwhelms you so much that you can't even focus properly on prayer.

But on Monday (the 18th) I found out that one of the bags was in a warehouse in JFK airport. By the evening of the 18th it was in Jamaica! I bounced down the stairs and told my mom. But I still couldn't find one bag. So I decided to go down to baggage centre to collect the bag that I knew was there and do a physical check for the one that was not on the system. Waiting and waiting at the baggage centre, then when they called my number - the attendants carried out both my bags! I wanted to hug the lady so much. And I just smiled and thank God for His grace and His mercy in the situation. Nothing in my bag was missing! All my family's Christmas presents were there! And even before this, God had restored my joy and said to me that I had persevered and done all that I could possibly do and now I needed to leave the rest to Him. And I did. Tears of joy and relief just flowed from my eyes and I just praised God in tongues, because this is a miracle. For 4 days my bags were lost, no one knew where there were - but God knew. And He kept watch over them and returned them to me. And this is one test that has lead to an amazing testimony!

Checking in....

2006-12-01T10:43:00.000Z

I cannot believe that the last time I posted a blog was in August! I remember when I started doing this blogging business, my friend Kirk warned me that I would never be able to keep it up. Well, I managed the first the few months, but now that I've moved to Staffordshire with no internet connection at home, it's proven very difficult.

This is the first time in years that I haven't had regular access to the internet. Where I can go 3, 4 days without checking my email. The first week after I moved to Staffordshire, I suffered severe internet withdrawal symptoms. My new laptop has WIFI and I decided to test it out. So I logged on at home, and in seconds my laptop found a wireless network that I could use! I called Chris with excitement saying that I have internet access at home! I've found a wireless connection, no more isolation from the outside world. He was quick to point out that what I had in fact done was 'hack' into someone else's wireless network that wasn't protected, therefore making it illegal. How quickly my bubble burst. Now, I cycle to the library, trying to beat the over 60s to a computer so that I can use it for an hour. Oh, how my life has changed!

How's it been Staffordshire so far? Well, it's different! It's very quiet. Not many students around. A lot of cats! But at least you don't have to watch where you're walking for vomit (as in Leeds), instead you look out for dog poo! But just over the bridge where I live is some lovely countryside (Rosliston). I am now commuting to Leeds once or twice a week. And I now found myself waking up at 5am to catch a 6:25am train so that I can be on time to teach my 10am tutorial. By the time I catch the 5:10pm train home, I just want to have dinner and go to bed. And usually that's what I do.

Oh! I've also learnt to ride a bicycle! Well, re-learn to ride one. I haven't ridden on a bicycle since I was age 8 or 9. A couple from the church that I go to, gave me their daughter's old road bike. When I tried cycling up a hill with this old, steel frame bike, I thought that I had done some permanent damage to my legs. I cycled to church, sweating pouring from my face (in Autumn), legs throbbing. Sitting down and standing up were both painful. And I felt that I would never be able to get the knack of cycling again - or at least that it wouldn't hurt so much.

And God has been doing amazing things in my life! I don't even know where to begin! First of all, I'm blessed to be in the church that I'm in now. Chris and I go to the same church, and it's such a blessing to be able to see him everyday. And to be honest, this is the happiest I've been since I been in England (5 years in January). I've written 2 chapters in a month and a half. That's about as much as I wrote in 2 years! But I believe in a supernatural God who can work beyond human logic and can give you the strength when you need it the most. And I just feel this tremendous peace, that I haven't felt in such a long time. I thank God that He has given me this opportunity and I look forward to telling you more about what He's been doing. Well, that was why I started this blog after all.

God bless

Lots of love

Julie

'You can't eat "God bless yous"'

2006-08-16T15:49:00.000Z

My friend, CP was sharing with me last night her frustration with walking in faith when she said 'It's not that I don't have faith, but you can't eat "God bless yous!" I know that in my life and I can see from hers that sometimes we just get so tired of walking in faith. It's ironic, or probably God's intention that my Scripture reading for this morning came from Hebrews 11, which I sometimes called the 'Faith Chapter.'

'Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen

For by it the elders obtained a good testimony.

By faith we understand that the worlds were framed by the word of God,

so that the things which are seen were not made of things which are visible'

Hebrews 11: 1-3 NKJV

And when I continued reading the chapter and it talks about these elders (Abel, Enoch, Noah) and the father of faith, Abraham and they're testimony of what walking in faith did for them and their relationship with God. I want that! I desperately want to be able to walk in the complete knowledge that God has got me, God has complete control over my life. But it's for my mind to catch up with my heart. To be honest, I feel like I've just been drifting in existence. I don't feel like I've been 'walking'...well anywhere! When I wake up in the morning I don't see a purpose to my day besides completing my expected activities. I know God is there, but I feel so unsatisfied when I come to the end of the day and I realise that I haven't even spent 5 minutes with Him! Yet I crave the relationship that these people have with God, as well as other people who I know, whose relationship with God seems so close!

My prayer life and bible reading has dwindled so much since I've been back home. I've been ignoring God, and yet I want the fruit of someone that has invested the time to be with Him. But I find myself in this rut where I don't want to be here. I want to read my Bible everyday, I want to talk God everyday and there are days when I don't. But, to get the energy to move out of that and get back to God just doesn't seem to be there. Then the pity party starts when I wonder where God is when things just seem to getting from bad to worse. I must admit that sometimes I find faith a burden, like CP said last night, the yolk feels heavier than you imagined. Doubt enters your mind...'is it worth it?' My heart screams 'Of course! Hello!! Remember the gift of salvation! Remember that it is through faith you will see your Heavenly Father!' When you walk into a battle (which is what happens once you give your life to Christ) and you don't have your armour on...this is what happens. Me and the way I'm feeling right now, is because I haven't been wearing armour and I've been walking into this battle for months now butt-naked! I'm getting beaten. I'm thinking maybe it's easier being on the other side, it doesn't seem half as stressful as standing your ground and battling the arrows coming my way.

I promised myself that whenever I got like this, I would read what Jesus went through before he was even crucified, which is one of the most painful ways to die. Remembering those nails piercing his wrists and his feet, going through flesh and bone to the wooden cross and hung up there in shame...God's only begotten Son. Is it so hard to walk in faith? Even when it seems that everything's against you. But believing that God is with you, He's got you, He will never leave you alone. No, you can't eat 'God bless yous' but it's amazing what you can do when you are blessed by God and your life will be a testimony to that.

Joshua Donovan Lorr Grizzle

2006-08-13T23:35:00.000Z

There he is, sound asleep, just 2 days old. Doesn't he look peaceful? Who knew that about 5 mins after this photo was taken, we got a sample of his lung capacity when he began crying...hmmmm???

I went to see my sister at the hospital today and I held my nephew for the first time. He was just so fragile and small (3.3kg). I feared that my adult size hands would break him, but yet weren't big enough to give him the support that his delicate body needs. Staring at him I noticed how delicately formed were his hands, every finger and fingernail beautifully sculpted by our 0Heavenly Father - his button sized nose, and his pouty red lips, were just adorable! And then, he did the first thing that made me gush - he yawned for the first time. Every muscle in his face contracted to make it happen, his arms flared out and his legs kicked, his whole body was involved in making this small action. I know, I know, I'm getting mushy.

Even though this isn't my own child, I understand when people say that they could look at their babies all day and not get bored. Because, to be honest, I could just look at Josh all day, just to see what new movement his face would make. How would his hands move? Would his eyebrows twitch? Does he wrinkle his nose? When I held Josh for the first time, he sneezed on me 3 times! I began to think my own baby nephew was allergic to me! And I was feeling sad about that, because I couldn't bear thought of not being able to hold him! I am soooooo getting mushy!

I held him for about 20 mins, until he wanted feeding. Thank goodness that's my sister's department and not mine. My sister and a friend were giving me advice when the time came for me to have my own children....I indulged in their wishful thinking. Their first nugget of wisdom was 'Take the drugs!' My sis said and I quote 'No mek no baddy tell yuh nuh foolishness about natural childbirth. It's not all that!' Given that I don't have a very high pain threshold, I think I will definitely take my sister's advice on that one. Their second nugget of wisdom was 'Take the drugs!' Hmmmmm...I'm beginning to get the idea that my fear of childbirth, is well founded! Since all they could talk about was the pain and agony they went through when they had children, and by the way, it's not forgettable pain!

My sis and my nephew go home tomorrow, and he meets the rest of his family - his big brother Nathaniel and his Auntie Jen. But I must admit that that precious thing (which I still say looked like a little rat when he was just born) had been growing in my sister's tummy for 9 months and has now this, a human being, one that has body, soul and spirit. I pray for him, because the way this world is, he's going to be need to be tough and well-rooted in the Word of God. So I pray that my sister and her husband will train him in the way he should go, so that he can grow up to be a mighty man of God.

Welcome to Jamrock Baby Joshua

2006-08-12T04:05:00.000Z

Well, after almost 2 days of labour my sister gave birth to baby Joshua today. I must admit, seeing my sister during the last couple of months of her pregnancy, and hearing her cry out in pain during delivery - has more or less turned off any switch that may have been on regarding childbirth.

I went to visit her yesterday on the pre-natal ward, and seeing all these pregnant women waddle to and from their beds and on top of that seeing my sister in the beginnings of her contractions....I'm telling you, the light switch off, the shop lock, there's nobody home! I ain't having no baby I tell you! Though everybody that I say that to says that when 'baby fever' lick me, there's nothing in this world that can stop me from having one. Okay, that may be true, but for the moment I am so grossed out by the thought of childbirth, it may take me a good couple years to get over this - call it delaying the inevitable, I don't know!

What I do know is that when my brother-in-law showed me a picture of Joshua when he just came out of the womb...okay, now this was disturbing on two levels: 1. Seeing my sister in that childbirth position, with her legs sprawl out on the bed...was not pretty and 2. The boy look like one black rat! Babies are not pretty when they're just born. So, yes, anyway...when I first saw my baby nephew the first word out of my mouth was....'Ewwwwww' (though that isn't a word, but you catch my drift). Because to be honest him did look nasty. But as you can see from the pic he cleans up well. And him don't resemble the rat-like figure I saw a few minutes earlier.

My sister, God bless you my child. I am so glad it was you and not me! I'm praying for you, because raising two bwoy pickney not easy sista! But I'm here for you - always. John, my brother-in-law, you can now pass down your love for dismantling things and putting them back together to another child :o) But the fun has just begun! Bring on the sleepless nights!

So, welcome to Jamrock Joshua...I don't know what your life will be like. But if the Lord is your anchor, you can face any storm. Auntie Julie loves you and will be praying for you!

You know you're fat when...

2006-07-04T02:15:00.000Z

....you're walking back from taking Holy Communion and someone pinches you as you walk past and says 'You putting on too much weight'

....you're in the middle of a conversation and someone interrupts to pat you on the stomach and asks 'How you get so fat?'

....you're referred to as 'broad bottom' by your gym instructor.

These are some of the recent comments I've received about my weight since I've been back home. Though I must admit it wasn't as bad as when I came home for the first time in a long time in December 2004. This was when I counted on both hands (at least twice) the people who mentioned how much weight I had put on. But then there also was the stares of shock people gave you as you were talking to them. I'm not sure which one was worse. But since then, every time I've returned home, I brace myself for the comments someone is going to make about my weight.

My weight is something that I've battled with for as long as I remember. I tried so many diets. There was the orange juice diet (that's all I had for breakfast, lunch and dinner) very sickly. Then there was the 'reverse diet' where I had dinner for breakfast and vice-versa. I also tried the carrot and water diet, but after a while the palm of my hand looked as if I had jaundice. I even tried being bulimic, but I didn't quite get the knack of forcing myself to vomit.

I think my most successful 'diet' was when I ate nothing but fish and vegetables and drank only water. It was when I was 18 and I went down to 115 lbs (8 st 2). People at university thought that I was anorexic because I had lost so much weight. *sigh* a distant dream...

But it all changed in the summer of 1999. I went to Mexico for 9 weeks. I was hoping that I could maintain my diet. But that was not to be. There was a mix-up in my dietary requirements and my host mom was never told that I wanted to eat only fish. So, I was fed every fattening thing you could think of: frijoles, fried beef, quesadillas, tortillas, fried chicken. And let's not even talk about the desserts! So I said bye-bye to once 8 st figure, forever. Now I'm 147 lbs (10 st 5) and my weight (given the tone of my gym instructor's voice) seems life-threatening. She's ordered me to eat salads, and if I need to eat rice - brown rice only. And for my tipple of choice? Good ol' WATA.

My mom's encouraging to go back on her fat metabolisers as I did last year. But actually I don't want to. I can't even remember to take my vitamins once a day, much less tablets 4 times a day! Anyhow, my liver will thank me for it. I want to lose the weight the old fashioned way! Woo-hoo!

So next time you feel an earth tremor or an earthquake, it's either me doing aerobics or I've fallen off my bed :o)

Until next time...

Sweet, sweet Jamaica....

2006-06-30T13:54:00.000Z

It's been just over two weeks since I've been home and it's been really good being back. In my first week, Mommy cooked all my favourite breakfast meals: ackee and saltfish, johnny cakes, roast breadfruit, calaloo and banana, even mackarel run down.

Coming back home is becoming a bittersweet experience. It's great seeing my family and my friends. But I also see that so many things change, and so many things stay the same. In my first week I was here, what I call the 'accident of the year' happened. See the following link: http://jamaicaobserver.com/news/html/20060624t190000-0500_107728_obs_a_hell_of_a_crash_.asp. A doctoral student and a lawyer died in this gruesome accident. What shook me was the situation of the doctoral student, because I am in a similar situation. Bailey (the doctoral student) had completed his dissertation and was due to defend his thesis in a few months time. He also going to start lecturing in his department in September. There are times when I think given the point I am in my life, that I couldn't die now, because I've come this far, and what would be the point of dying now not achieveing what I'm working so hard for - my PhD.

Probably it's naivete or hopeful thinking that I believe I won't die before completing my PhD and getting the opportunity to use this qualification. But was Bailey thinking the same thing. As he was driving home on Saturday morning, was he making plans for the rest of the day? Was he thinking about his arguments to defend his thesis? I'm sure he was waiting with anticipation to start lecturing in September and get the opportunity to use his qualification. Unfortunately Jamaica has lost a brilliant mind, who will never get the opportunity to share his knowledge. And I'm tempted to question God. How could this happen? Why couldn't you intervene in this horrific accident? But there are things that happen in this world that I will never understand. And it's not for me to question God, though this story really gave me a wake up call on my own mortality. I wish I was as brave as Dennis Seivwright saying that he's ready to die, see: http://www.jamaica-gleaner.com/gleaner/20060630/lead/lead2.html.

I pray that I will live to call myself Dr Pencle. I pray that Mommy who has sacrificed so much for me, will get the opportunity to see me accept my degree. I pray that I will get the opportunity to use my qualifications. Sometimes, I feel that I am in control of my life, and I think I can see that it is going in a logical sequence. Then this curveball is thrown in my life (the accident), to be frank has made me scared of the future. But there's a song that was sung at my Aunt Lorraine's funeral and is often sung at my Church in Jamaica that always encourages me when I feel like this. It goes:

I don't know about tomorrow; I just live from day to day.

I don't borrow from its sunshine. For its skies may turn to grey.

I don't worry o'er the future, for I know what Jesus said.

And today I'll walk beside Him, for He knows what is ahead.

Many things about tomorrow I don't seem to understand

But I know who holds tomorrow and I know who holds my hand.

There are many things in life that I don't understand, but I know that my future is in the best hands possible - Jesus Christ.

AAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!

2006-06-10T09:25:00.000Z

....That's the way my life has been over the past few weeks. It's just been deadlines upon deadlines. Deadlines for handing PhD work. Deadlines for handing in exam marking - that seemed to be the more time consuming activity. In addition to that I was packing to move to Staffordshire which was exhausting, emotionally and physically. But even in the midst of the whirlwind, God was and still is in control.

Chris and I moved most of my stuff to Staffordshire last week Thursday (June 1) and Friday (June 2). We got lost a couple times when we got into and when we were trying to leave Leeds. But we were able to do the whole moving process without arguing. This in itself is a miracle, given that I've been functioning on limited sleep for a while, and I always get stressed out when I move - always. But we prayed before we moved and we handed over the whole situation to God. Carrie Underwood has a song called 'Jesus take the wheel' - and that's exactly what He did.

Friday was the day when it could have really exploded. We were exhausted from moving the day before, and we were aiming to get up early on Friday to move the remainder and be back before rush hour. We got up early as planned, I was going to have a shower - realised there was no water. The water had been shut off for some repairs to the pipes; but it was supposed to be back on before we got up. Chris' mom didn't fill any water buckets, because she said whenever she's done it before nothing ever happens, and she feels as if she's wasting water. So, the one time we needed her forward thinking - didn't happen. I was getting a bit stressed out because things were not going to plan. You'd think I'd learn by know that there's my plans and there's God's - and His is always better. But thanks be to God for Chris' Dad who filled up some watercans the night before (but annoyingly, didn't tell any of us) so at least we could use the toilets. We decided that we'd have a shallow bath and then when we get to Leeds we'd have a proper shower after we finished moving.

But when all this fiasco was happening, my 2nd thought was (the 1st was one of frustration for not having any water) how blessed we are to live in a country that we can get fresh water just by turning a tap. So many countries in the world are not privy to that knowledge. They've never experienced that. And here we were getting frustrated because we couldn't have our cup of tea or coffee, or a shower! Forgive me Lord for grumbling! But the things after all our frustration of things not going to plan, what we were setting out to do was done. We got to Leeds at a good time and we left before rush hour in Leeds - and there wasn't any major hold up anywhere on the road. So, thanks be to God!

On Wednesday, I will be flying home to Jamaica for the summer. So my next entry will more than likely be from there. So much is happening this summer. My sister's having a baby in August. My dad turns 70 in July. So it's a summer for celebrating life and remembering God's blessings.

I'd like to share with you something I read this morning. It was from Colossians and I was really drawn to this verse:

Have the roots [of your being] firmly and deeply planted [in Him.

fixed and founded in Him], being continually built up in Him,

becoming increasingly more confirmed and established in the faith,

just as you were taught, and abounding and overflowing in it

with thanksgiving.

Colossians 2:7 (Amplified Bible)

This is my prayer for myself and for all of my friends.

Amen

How do I love?

2006-05-22T18:06:00.000Z

Deuteronomy 6: 5-6 says:

You shall love the Lord your God with all your [mind and] heart

and with your entire being

and with all your might.

And these words which I am commanding you this day

shall be [first] in your own minds and hearts.

This was the Scripture reading at my church yesterday. And when I read it, something nudged me inside, and my eyes were opened. I was going through my Christian life, not realising that I wasn't doing the first thing that God commanded me to do! As I reflected on this last night, I wrote this prayer in my journal:

God, teach me to love you with all my mind and my heart and with my entire being and with all my might. God my whole life must be focused on loving you. How can I do this God? I yearn for this! I am spiritually starving for this! Fill me with your Holy Spirit, Dear God. Consume with your fire. Burn out whatever will prevent me from obeying this command.

What a challenge?! I say that God is my first love, but is he really? What comes between me and Him? What prevents me from dedicating completely to Him? I know that at times it's fear. Fear of letting go, what I know and going towards what I don't know. When I say to God I want to love You as You commanded me, I am scared of what He will ask me to do because of that love.

When Jesus re-instated Peter after he denied knowing Him, He asks Peter three times 'Do you love me?' Three times, Peter times says yes. Three times Jesus gives Peter instructions: 'Feed my lambs' (John 21: 15), 'Shepherd (tend) my Sheep' (John 21:16), 'Feed my sheep' (John 21:17). When we say we love Jesus, He will ask us to do things for Him, for the benefit of His Kingdom. Am I ready? I pray again, God, remove from within me whatever will prevent me from obeying this command.

In Jesus name I pray, Amen.

Restoration

2006-05-19T07:23:00.000Z

On Monday, the 15th of May, I went to my prayer group. I must admit I wasn't looking forward to going. I have found it difficult to become a part of this group and I almost gave up on it. But I was having such a bad day, that I just didn't want to go back to my student accommodation and stay in my room, I needed Christian company. And I'm so glad I went. It was a good time for me to stay focused on God after a difficult day. When we came together to pray, we asked God to use the gift of prophecy and words of knowledge, to help us to seek His face.

Initially, I got the word 'restoration' in my head. I didn't mention it then, because I wanted to make sure it was from God. But every now and again, it would come up in my mind - 'restoration.' Probably about an hour into our prayer session, Beth asked if God had given or shown anyone anything. Well, my mouth opened, I don't remember consciously doing it and said I kept on getting the word 'restoration' in my head. And the message given to me was relating to the restoration of the church. Another person in the group, Simon, said that he also got a picture of a building that had been weathered and was being restored. When we prayed about this message, I got another picture of a bride, and so the Holy Spirit led me to pray for the church, who Jesus Christ called His bride. I prayed that the church have restoration in its faith in God and in its love for God.

It was just an amazing session together! I'm learning to wait on God and not feel the pressure to pray because everyone else has said something and you haven't! We all prayed that the Holy Spirit would lead our time together. Amongst other things, I felt really burdened to pray for those who had lost their faith in God, because of the situation they're in. I felt that God had turned His back on our family because my brother walked out on us. But in January, I prayed and asked God that this be the year of restoration and healing for my family. It took me years to learn that I couldn't blame God for what people did by their own free will.

Until next time...God be with you all.

He emailed me!!!

2006-05-14T19:47:00.000Z

If you didn't know, this blog was started because I had a very hurtful encounter with my brother a couple of months ago. I called him at work and was so excited to hear his voice for such a very long time, probably over 10 years. Unfortunately, he wasn't as happy to hear from me. The thing is, because I had upset him so much, I just feared he would retaliate and close down the shutters on our communication again, as they were just beginning to open. He hasn't been around for about 13 years, and I miss him dearly. And I've prayed on and off during those years of absence for God to restore our family with his return, because his absence has affected all of us.

Well, today he sent me an email, asking me to forward his Mother's e-card to Mommy, because it coming back to him as being undeliverable. Okay, so I may have been the go-between. But I consider this to be one of those breakthroughs that you need to encourage you in your faith and a boost to your prayer life.

Today, I also went up for prayer after church. I have been in such a dark cloud mentally for weeks now and it has been affecting my work. I know that it was a mental warfare. But I just felt too oppressed to pray for myself. Why does it seem that you keep on being prayed for the same thing though? But, the release that I felt through prayer was amazing. I don't think I had ever wept that much in front of strangers. I almost finished the box of tissues they handed me! When I was in the church service, I knew that I wanted to go up for prayer. But something said that I shouldn't, because it was a sign of weakness. When I told Chris this, he said that anything tells not to go up for prayer is more than likely not from God. We're called to persevere in prayer for other people and for ourselves. We are supposed to bear each other's burdens. The Church is more than a building, it's more than coming together on a Sunday. The Church is a community, a community in Christ.

I think sometimes we forget this.....

Have you heard????

2006-04-28T20:18:00.000Z

I was invited out this evening for drinks with some people from Uni. Usually I turn down this invitation because the people around me either get completely drunk or smoke and you end up smelling that you've chain smoked about 100 cigarettes! But tonight I accepted, and it was really lovely. I met some undergrads, and another Christian!!! That was very exciting!!! We didn't get to talk much about that aspect of things, but it was great to be sitting beside someone who probably believed the same thing you did. So there were 3 guys and 5 girls.

But when the guys left, us girls got down to catching up what's been happening in our lives. It was a bit strange because even though we know each other from being in the same department we each have our own separate circle of friends, so we don't get together like this, very often - at least not with me. And then it moved into Department gossip. And I really struggled with this, as a Christian. I mean, you want to know what's going on with other people's lives and believe some the stories I heard tonight were jaw-droppers! But God clearly states in His word that we shouldn't take part in that sort of conduct. Leviticus 19:16 says "Do not spread slanderous gossip among your people." (NLT) So, I must confess before you (my readers) and before God, I am sorry that my action was against what God outlines for His people, it was not good Christian conduct. And I don't want to excuse by saying that through gossip, I found that I needed to be careful about how I interact with someone in the department, or else I may be giving the wrong signs, which could lead to a very complicated situation - but anyhow that is another story.

What really struck me was the state of these people's lives. I'm not saying that I am perfect - by no means. We have all fallen short of the glory of God and we are all sinners. But two of these girls were in relationships and they both cheated on their boyfriends. One said she did because her boyfriend cheated on her, but she felt really guilty about it - she's still with him, but wants to break up with him eventually. The other broke up with her boyfriend after she had a fling with another guy.

My relationship with Chris isn't perfect, and we have gone through our ups and downs and our rough patches. But the one thing that has made it stable is that it is centred on God. Chris asked me, in life who comes first? And I honestly said, God. If there is anything in our relationship that is going to affect my relationship with God, then it needs to go. It wasn't always that way. When we started going out, my life centred about Chris and what he thought about me rather than what God thought about me and my relationship with God. But it does take time and dedication, and to be honest the grace and mercy of God to make this work.

To be honest, I felt like a fish out of water with these people. They are lovely girls - all of them. But there was a connection I felt with John (the Christian guy) that wasn't there with others when he left.

It is difficult interacting with people who don't believe the same thing that you do. But this is the prayer Jesus prayed for us, when He knew was leaving this earth:

I'm not asking you to take them out of the world,

but keep them safe from the evil one.

They are not part of this world any more than I am.

Make them pure and holy by teaching them your words of truth.

As you sent me into the world, I am sending them into the world.

John 17:15-18 (NLT)

Panic Attack!!!!

2006-04-21T18:35:00.000Z

Okay,

Here's the story:

I love music. I listen to it when I'm walking, when I'm working, it's always in the background. For Christmas, Chris and his family gave me a MP3 player, which I've nicknamed Zen. Zen's been my travelling partner and he keeps me company when I'm doing my research.

Well, today I thought I had lost him. I noticed he wasn't in my room last night, and I just that maybe I had misplaced him somewhere in my handbag. But I began a more systematic search for him - I couldn't find him! And then my mind reflected on my activities yesterday. I was cooking, and I was cutting up vegetables. And I thought *gasp* I've thrown him in the bin! I searched the bin in the kitchen, and then Maiko (my flatmate) told me that they had taken out the garbage this morning.

Now, I live in student accomodations in a residence with thousands of students. The thought of rummaging through hundreds of bags of rubbish was not appealling! And then I felt nauseated and so disappointed in myself. How could I throw a very expensive piece of equipment away! Literally! I called Chris and I was hysterical on the phone. I felt so terrible and so stupid!

I asked another of my flatmates and she said that there's a note on the fridge (which in my blind panic I didn't see) saying that another of my flatmates (I have 5) found a 'music thing - purple in a black case' on the floor outside our flat. The excitement that I felt - I couldn't express. I knew it was Zen! I don't know how I dropped it, because I believed that it was clipped onto my belt.
I just thanked God for allowing him to be found!

But the site office where Fiona my flatmate handed Zen into wouldn't be open until Monday. So I prayed asking me to prepare myself - if it wasn't him.

When I walked into the site office on Monday and saw him lying there on the desk by the warden. I just thanked God for giving him back to me.

God is good - all the time

Let her cry

2006-04-18T15:08:00.000Z

For the past few days I have been battling with hayfever. It is such an uncomfortable experience, mainly because there is very little you can do to alleviate the symptoms. So I've been sneezing, coughing, blowing my nose so loudly it echoes, because of microscopic pollen in the air! I've recently seen hayfever as another illustration of man's fight against nature since the Fall (but that's another story).

I've been spending Easter with Chris and his family in Derbyshire. Easter Sunday was such a beautiful day, the sun was out in a bright blue sky. It was almost if nature was celebrating the significance of the day, as we remember that Jesus is the Victor over death. Because He conquered death, He is alive and His message brings life to so many people in the world. Chris and I went out and sat in a nearby field and did Bible Study. Monday was such a change as we found ourselves arguing so much about the most petty things! For instance, me not liking ice hockey and car parking - I told it was petty. And then Chris felt he was becoming ill, so he was a bit miserable and I felt disappointed. We had so many good days together and now in a couple days I am returning to Leeds, and he's become ill. It's such a big deal because it affects the brief time that we have together, as you're not yourself when you're ill.

But yesterday, I also had a tough battle with self-esteem. I woke up feeling so fat and ugly and when you look in the mirror you just see the proof to confirm it - staring back at you. My face had a bit of a stress related break out and to top that off I had added some extra poundage because of the season!

Psalm 139:14 says: I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made (NIV). Then why does a couple of spots on my face, and a bit of a rounder tummy convince me that I am not beautiful?! God has made me. Not only that God has made me 'wonderfully.' Last night, because of everything, because I felt so ugly and so fat and then instead of walking, I'm waddling - I broke down and cried. I don't know where it came from, I didn't even know I had that many tears in me! Chris held me as I cried. And he told me that I am beautiful. I said he had to say that because he is my boyfriend. He said 'No, it's because it's the truth.' But why can't I believe that being made in God's image is enough? Why does outside opinion matter so much?

I don't want it to be an excuse to let myself go and not be sensible about what I eat, and not taking care of my body. But it's the affect it has on your mind and how you see yourself, when you are a couple pounds of heavier. It's the sadness that you feel. The guilt that burdens you when you eat Turkish Delight Easter Eggs! You begin to hate the food that God has provided for you. Food that is such a blessing, I sometimes see as a curse because of indulgence. Which is frankly - greed. It's achieving that balance that is important. There is no need to despise what God has given me, as long as it had in moderation.

I am fearfully and wonderfully made...Help me Lord to see...

Hot Cross Buns...

2006-04-14T19:28:00.000Z

Do you remember the song of Hot Cross Buns?

Hot cross buns
Hot cross buns
One a penny Two a penny
Hot cross buns

To be honest, that's all I can remember of the song as well. But the point of me mentioning this, is that today is one of the most significant days in a Christian's life - Good Friday. This was the day that Jesus Christ, God's only son (one singer calls Him the Darling of Heaven), was crucified for our sins (even if you are not a Christian). However, Easter is portrayed as the time for Easter Egg Hunts, chocolate Easter Eggs and Hot Cross Buns - I hope you saw the link there :o)

Today, I went on a Good Friday Walk where you walk with a cross in front to a central location and then you are joined with other churches in the area. We went to Burton-on-Trent, a very busy town and had a open air time of worship, prayer and telling people (who were busy getting their shopping done) that Jesus died for them and they could have an extraordinary life by choosing Him! Which is true, you can! One girl who told her story of becoming a Christian, said that by choosing Jesus, she chose freedom. He made her free of her drug addictions. Now, instead of waking up thinking about her next fix, she wakes up thinking about Jesus and how much she loves Him.

I went to a vigil today at Church and we read through the Gospel of Matthew's description of Jesus' trial and crucifixion. Every year I read this account, and every year I try to understand the weight that Jesus' bore for me (sometimes it's so hard to imagine). For the times that I lied, for the times I got angry, for the times when I stole, for the times when I was jealous, for all the wrongs that I did - Jesus was nailed on that cross for me. The ridicule and pain that He suffered; the most painful being separated from His Father and unaware of his presence, which He always had from the very beginning. That's why He cried out to God: "My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?" (Matthew 27:46).
God could not bear to look at His only begotten Son, because all of our sins - because all of my sins had been piled on Him. What an amazing sacrifice! What a loving God! All of that for me?

The song In Christ Alone says it well:

In Christ alone, who took on flesh

Fullness of God in helpless babe

This gift of love and righteousness

Scorned by the ones He came to save

Till on the cross as Jesus died

The wrath of God was satisfied

For every sin on Him was laid

Here in the death of Christ I live

I could go on and on about the gift of God's sacrifice, and you may think I probably have. But I ask you this question: Have you chosen Christ? Do you think it's important to find out about this man who died for you?

And for those of you who have chosen Christ, please remember the sacrifice that He made for you and how that has affected your lives.

A mug of coffee and two mugs of tea

2006-04-13T06:38:00.000Z

Note to self: Drinking a mug of coffee and two mugs of tea should be avoided in the future!

The things is, I could not fall asleep last night! But, I'm not sure if it was the caffeine or the joy and excitement after an hour just praying and crying out to God. Something in me changed after I spent that time with God. I did not feel the same (and no I didn't feel worse). There were times in the past when I felt tired the moment it was said 'Let us pray.' Whether it was in church or in a group, my spirit would feel tired and my mind would tune out.

Last night that did not happen! I went to a group started by my church (St. George's Leeds). The group is for people who want to pray and spend time with God. It was different because we spent some time in silence, just listening for inspiration from the Holy Spirit and some time in prayer. There are times when I was afraid of silence ( it was a bit uncomfortable for me last night) and wanted to pray just to break it. I try and cram as many issues as I can think of because I am scared of the silence! The Bible says 'Be still and know that I am God' (Psalm 46:10)

But back to last night! Our prayer time was based on Habbakuk 1: 1-4 which says:

How long, O Lord, must I call for help? But you do not listen! "Violence!" I cry, but you do not come to save. Must I forever see this sin and misery all around me? Wherever I look, I see destruction and violence. I am surrounded by people who love to argue and fight. The law has become paralyzed and useless, and there is no justice given in the courts. The wicked far outnumbered the righteous, and justice is perverted with bribes and trickery. (NLT)

Isn't that such a reflection of the world today?! So that's what we prayed about! We prayed for the world specifically: Jamaica, England and Zimbabwe. We prayed for the Christians working there who are laughed at because of their faith. Because it seems that the God they love and serve is not answering. We prayed for the Church, particulary the one in England. The Church has forgotten that all the authority of Jesus was given to them. The Church has forgotten the Great Commission given by Jesus:

I have been given complete authority in heaven and on earth. Therefore, go and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. Teach these new disciples to obey all the commands I have given you. And be sure of this: I am with you always even to the end of the age. (Matthew 28: 18-20 NLT)

For those of you who don't believe in Jesus Christ, don't feel left out...we prayed for you too :o) I used to be where you are, and thinking my life would be great as long as I got a good job, a house, a car, and a husband. I understand the uncertainty you have about making this step of faith. I know that it feels uncomfortable. But it will be the most rewarding thing you can ever do! My life has changed completely! Listen, the fact that I enjoyed praying for an hour is testimony of God's work in me! And there's so much more! Send me a comment if you want to find out more about this, and why you should choose Jesus.

I am so grateful to God for the time that I spent with Him last night with my group. It changed me (for the better) and I pray that I continue to be changed.

Until next time.... :o)

What's on your mind?

2006-04-12T09:08:00.000Z

This is my second day at blogging and already I had to call on Blogger Support because I forgot my username and password! There are so many things you have to remember: passwords, combinations, birthdays, appointements. A typical day for me is:

Remembering the passwords for the (trying to count in my head)....5 email addresses I have!
Then when I get to the University I have to remember the code to get into the PhD office
If I want to print something, I need to remember the code to get into the computer cluster
If I want to photocopy something for my tutorials - I have a Teaching Assistant's (TA's) code for the photocopier
If I want to photocopy something for my research - I have a PhD code for the photocopier!

I find the mind fascinating - so powerful, yet so fragile. Life's pressures can cause it to shut down. But I have found that reading and meditating on God's word (the Bible) strengthens it.

Chris (my boyfriend) and I went to London for a week recently and we found it the most amazing week that we've had! It was great sightseeing and meeting up with friends. But we believe what made the difference was the spiritual imput we had.

We are very close to a church called the Eagle Christian Ministries, in Croydon. It is a church that lives by the Bible and is dedicated to proclaiming the message of Jesus and by doing that they have touched lives. Chris and I have never left any service feeling the same. We always feel more empowered and strengthened in our faith!

When we were there we visited the Pastor, Rev Louis Arku and he was checking up on us - finding how life was back where we lived. I mentioned that I felt I had a mental block when it came to my research. I really struggled writing and getting my thoughts down in a coherent manner. It was really frustrating and I was beginning to feel scared about my progress. I felt I wasn't good enough, I was too slow. With this kind of progress, how was I going to complete my PhD and become Dr Julie-Ann Pencle (that looks and sounds great!).

The fact is my mind was under attack. Satan is the Father of Lies and I had listened to him for too long and believing those lies. He knows how to attack your mind, he knows what will affect you. He's been studying human behaviour for longer than anyone of us will be alive.

I was given some Scriptures that I hope you will find as encouraging as I did:

The first one is Colossians 3: 1-3

If then you were raised with Christ, seek the things which are above, where Christ is, sitting at the right hand of God. Set your mind on things above, not on things on earth. For you died and your life is hidden with Christ in God. (NKJV)

Another one that really helped me was Phillipians 4: 8 & 13

Finally, brethen, whatever things are true, whatever thinngs are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy - meditate on those things. (NKJV)

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. (NKJV)

Ask yourself who controls your mind? Because whoever does is in charge of your heart and soul.

May the truth of God's word set you free.

Testing...

2006-04-11T11:31:00.000Z

I must admit, I have avoided techonology trends, but I am captivated by the idea that you can affect millions of people through 'blogging.' This first post is for people to get an idea of who I am. I need to avoid 'airing my dirty laundry' as my mom calls it, so as not to dishonour her.

Well... I am from Jamaica, but I am currently in Leeds, England pursuing my PhD. I am in my 2nd year (one year to go and I cannot wait). I am the youngest of 3. I have a sister and a brother. My sister is in Jamaica, my brother is in Fort Lauderdale. The relationship with my brother is strained, and has been for over 13 years. In a way, he is the reason why I started blogging, because I want him to know that I still love him and we're looking forward to the day that he and his family contacts us.

For years we didn't know where he was. We knew that he was married and he had a little boy, who is now a teenager! I can't believe it! But yesterday for the first time in 10 years, I spoke to him. I heard his voice, and even though he wasn't very pleased to hear my voice - I still see it as an answer to prayer!

This is why I've entitled my blog as 'Walking in Faith.' I am a Christian and I believe that God will restore our family. I have been praying since the beginning of this year, for resolution and restoration for my family. A lot of milestones are happening this year (my dad turning 70, my sister giving birth in August) and I pray that my brother and his family contacting us and making us a complete family will be one of them.

So I hope that you will walk with me in this journey of faith and see what good things God will do :o)